How to Deal with Bullying

Wear headphones. Even if they're not on it will give the impression you aren't listening to them

If he's already getting needled for being a tight player in a semi-private game, headphones will only aggravate that.

If they said you appear to be on the spectrum and did nothing more, they are not professionals.

You don't have poker issues, you have life issues that are effecting you in poker.

You should probably seek actual professional help from a counselor. Temper your life issues, and everything else will fall into place.

Good Luck!

I don't mean this to sound mean but "if multiple people all call you an ass you might want to check to see if you have a tail" meaning there has to be something about you or your attitude that all these people don't like. If it was 1 person or even just a couple I'd say they're just being mean. You should probably figure out what that is . It kind of seems like they take your silence as you thinking you're better than then. If you don't want to socialize that's fine but maybe online poker would be better for you. Otherwise maybe start being more sociable. Laugh and joke around with them. Try it see how it works.

What's the host/game runner doing about it? What's the Dealer doing about it? How did you get on the list for the semi-private game?

Lots of Players don't like tight Players (snipers) who don't add to the overall dynamic of the table, especially at 'controlled' lineup games.

Look, you are who you are and I'm not going to say from afar that you 'have to' change. But I will say that you are choosing to sit down at these tables basically knowing what's going to happen. Perhaps you were ok with it at first but now it's starting to bother you more.

The big question .. is it affecting your poker game? If not, then play on. You could very well hit a dead end taking this 'up stairs' since you are not the action in the game .. you are a seat filler. My guess is that if you were running the game over you would be asked to stay away.

Professional help? I would definitely start with some people close to you at work/church/neighbors and ask them if you were found to be difficult to get to know initially. I know plenty of people who thought I was a bit different up front than what they know me to be after 3-5 interactions.

IMO the easiest way to handle it is to say something like .. "Seat 1 is here to play poker and since Seat 1 still has chips let's move on to the next hand." GL

People observing that you don't talk much does not equate to bullying. It's easy to exaggerate or reach when a lot of bad things DO happen to us. Try not to get caught up in a victim mindset, it will only make things worse and certainly won't help you at the poker table. Homophobia is something that you should be speaking up about. Point it out and ask whoever is running the game if that is acceptable behavior. Sticking up for yourself and keeping a cool head are the best ways to combat bullies.

I would just try to laugh it off. If it continues and this is a home game, I would stop going there so if you're a winning player, you'd have to decide if the abuse is worth the reward. If this was a public casino or cardroom you can easily walk up to the manager/security to put an end to the harassment.

This is probably why these guys are getting to you so much. I had anxiety and panic attacks pretty bad to the point I couldn't even play poker (or do anything for that matter) but I cured it very easily by eating ONLY meat, fish, chicken, eggs and water/mineral water and nothing else. It's called a Carnivore diet which has cured pretty much everyone that's gone on it (don't just take my word for it, search "carnivore cured anxiety" on youtube). For me it melted it away starting in 3 days (and never came back, except for the few times I went off carnivore). The cure is so simple and it will literally change your life if you're truly suffering from these things.

Poker has social aspects to the game. I'm an introverted, quiet person myself. I'm never going to be the table captain. That said, you can participate as part of the conversation. If someone shows a big bluff, say "nice bet" sincerely. If someone shows a big hand, tell them, "nice hand." Have a smile on your face. Seem like you are happy to be there. I've lost count the number of times a couple of comments and not saying much gets people to open up and start showing me their hands. Tip generously. Make fun of yourself.

All these things will make you more relatable to others and doesn't require you to carry on 20 minute conversations.

That said in a private game, there is an expectation that you are going to match up to some extent to what the average player's VPIP. If you don't, you aren't going to be welcome for long.

Not to sound ungrateful, but none of these responses offer advice on how to deal with bullies. Some seemed to misunderstand the issue, which is understandable since this is the internet. Others seems to offer advice on how to avoid the bullying, ways to try and prevent the bullying, offered life advice unrelated to the bullying, denied the bullying is even happening, or blamed me for being the victim of the bullying. I'm seeking advice on how to deal with bullying when it occurs, and deal it with directly with the bully so that it stops. A response that addresses this specifically would be the most helpful to me. I hope it exists. I'm preemptively going all in that this comment is going to spark only negative backlash, providing more evidence of my presumed negative personality traits, but hopefully a one outer hits.

There are three ways to deal with bullies at the table:

1- Take it and hope they get bored and move on, or someone else sticks up for you
2- Complain to management and hope they take care of it
3- Stick up for yourself, fire back, make sure they know you will not be an easy target

Having said that, by far the best way is to avoid getting bullied in the first place, and many of the above posts give good advice about that.

If you're getting picked on for being a no action player, well guess what, live game players don't generally enjoy playing with those sorts of opponents, so you better figure out how to deal with their friction one way or another.

Sorry to hear this. You could say "Enough!", then it will probably stop. Btw reading an old book by Sklansky, he doesn't recommend "going outside", so you've got that right.

My ways of dealing with bullies:

-Joke about them and troll them until they get too pissed off and make themselves look like weirdos
-Call them out on their behavior in a direct way that makes it clear I'm not going to take their crap
-Go along with their insults of me and escalate it in a way that makes it super awkward and also shows I'm secure in myself and don't care what they think
-Tell them I'm only putting up with their crap because they are the biggest donator at the table <--- a little risky but can be pulled off

Just know you're not going to make many friends being combative as above. All those options are really tricky to navigate and it seems like from your past experience you might not have the social skills to pull it off. Generally if you are able to make a few poker friends and become a reg that people respect and look forward to playing with, you'll find other people will stick up for you at the poker table. I see that sometimes you have been able to have some people stick up for you. In my opinion, it's always good both poker-wise and life-wise if you make nice early on with as many people on the table as you can. That way the odd person that doesn't like you will stick out like a sore thumb.

Another strategy to avoiding conflict is just to look mean and uncaring as hell. Look like an easy target and people will treat you like an easy target. It's something you have to learn, but if you just look like someone that isn't to be messed with, most people won't. That doesn't mean tattoos and muscles, it means having a serious face and asserting yourself. Speak with conviction and always look intense like you're paying attention to everything.

^^

1. Stay Calm and Composed. Don’t let the bully’s words get under your skin. Staying calm and composed will prevent the bully from getting the reaction they want.

2. Don’t Engage. Avoid responding to their comments. Engaging with a bully can often escalate the situation. Silence can be powerful, as it shows that their words aren’t affecting you.

3. Use Humor. Sometimes a light-hearted or humorous response can defuse tension. A quick remark might take the wind out of their sails without escalating the situation.

4. Set Boundaries. If the bullying continues, calmly but firmly set boundaries. You can say something like, “I’m here to play poker, not to listen to insults. Let’s keep it civil.”

5. Talk to the dealer or host. If the bullying is persistent or particularly offensive, don’t hesitate to involve the dealer or host.

6. Don’t Take It Personally. Remember that bullying often says more about the bully than it does about you. They might be trying to intimidate or throw you off your game. Don’t let their words affect your self-esteem or decisions.

7. Keep Your Focus on the Game. Concentrate on your poker strategy and ignore the bully as much as possible. The best revenge is to keep playing well and let your success speak for itself.

8. Leave the Table if Necessary. If the situation becomes unbearable, consider leaving the table. Your mental well-being is more important than dealing with a toxic environment.

9. Stay Confident. Bullies often prey on those they perceive as weak or unsure of themselves. Project confidence, even if you don’t feel it internally, and the bully may back off.

10. Handling verbal bullying at the poker table is about maintaining your dignity and focusing on the game. By staying calm and assertive, you can often defuse the situation and continue playing your best.

/

I have a lot in common with you. I feel anxiety all the time (I grew up in an alcoholic home and my father was very verbally abusive). I have chronic depression as a result and was unable to experience my feelings for the first 29 years of my life.

I was also a liar and a people pleaser. So before my recovery I would do whatever to be popular or at least not get bullied. I highly don't recommend that. The anxiety will dominate.

Oh and my wife thinks I am on the spectrum which in theory could be true. OCD is a possibility (I stack my chips constantly based on quantity in piles of 5, 10, or 20 depending on how many I have of each color...). I also isolate.

But unlike you I am not quiet at the table (I talk a lot with people to have fun). So when a bully comes after me I typically either thank them or make a joke that will get them angrier. Though sometimes I ignore them.

Look, bullying is common in poker. Many of the players will have a bullying style of play. Aggro. Over betting. Check/Raising. Bluffing. Etc. When things go bad for bullies they take it out of the game and try to dominate in a personal way. The key for me is to not let me reaction show. My hope is always that when it isn't working they will stop. Sometimes they stop when they win a big pot.

I also use humor to fight back. It will typically raise the stakes and the bullying will continue for a lot longer. But the rest of the table will appreciate what I have done and may even join in the defense.

I was in therapy for 17 years and Al-Anon now for 39 years. I have learned how to experience my feelings in the moment and in the poker room how not to react immediately. If I feel hurt, dominated, crucified, devastated, made fun of, humiliated, embarrassed, etc. I let the feelings happen and say the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Just saying the prayer calms me. I can't control a bully's behavior. I can control what I think about, my attitude, and what I do. So I stop thinking about the bully. I ignore them. Having grown up with my father who was a much more powerful bully than anyone I play poker with, it is easy for me to just ignore them. At some point they stop because it is a waste of their time. If they don't stop then I take advantage of their lack of thinking as will all of the other players at the table. Just understand that their strategy will be a lot more aggressive without having the type of strong hands they need.

At Foxwoods there was a bully so nasty in the 20/40 LHE game that another player had to quit playing in the game because he would throw up right before entering the building every time he showed up. I got on the bully's bad side and for six years or so I had to take his verbal assaults. When there was something funny to add I did. When there wasn't I just didn't say anything or I said "Thank You" to his insults. Like when he called me stupid or an idiot. Because really I was grateful. The more people thought I was an idiot or stupid the better I would do against them. The funniest thing was he would tell me exactly how I had misplayed a hand when he suffered a bad beat. And I learned a lot from him. So I was actually grateful...

There have been other bullies that I just had to ignore. One was in a big tournament at the Borgota who was sitting to my left in the 2 seat so in the end I just looked to my right for two hours and didn't respond or react to him. It was in part my fault because I had made a joke when I sat down and he didn't like it.

I love poker and one of things I love the most is having a good time at the table. Talking with people. Playing hard. Even getting along with Dealers. One thing I do that people appreciate is I compliment them (honestly).

One of the reasons they may be bullying you as a regular in a game is because you are good and/or winning. When that is the case I absolutely won't let it get to me.

I wish you luck in dealing with this. But in the end understand that bullies do what they do to intimidate and dominate. By tuning them out and not fighting them back they will stop having any long term affect on you. It can be unpleasant in the moment. But I don't focus on the bad things when I play. I focus on the good things. The people I like. The people I talk to. The game itself. The dealers who can be fun. Strategy. If you can keep it fun, you won't need to stop.

You need so stand up for yourself. Period.

Maybe, maybe not. You need to know why you're at the table and take the action that furthers that end.

That may mean superficially loosening up your image and being more sociable.

vinny, how old are you? that's highly relevant to any feedback you'll receive

Bullies only respond to force. Do it off property.

When I read this, my thoughts go back to one of the best posts ever made on 2+2. Sorry I've lost the original post.

Life works this way, too. You shouldn't get in the gutter with him. He's going to beat you with experience. You're not going to win with violence. Getting thrown out isn't going to stop it. If you had the emotional make up to ignore or make a joke of it, you would have done it. The easiest way is to start over in another group and be more sociable so that you have some allies to help you. Failing that, you're going to need to repair your image with the other regulars. That is going to take place over time.

yeah this is exactly why i was asking about op's age

because the answer here is never what to do in that specific situation - it's how to change your behavior so you're never targeted in the first place

he says a lot of deeply unaware things about himself in the op - for example:

this is a perfectly reasonable, non-bullying thing to say to someone who refuses to socialize - that isn't an insult at all, it's pointing out your anti-social behavior

that is easily remedied, just talk to people at the table

again, this is totally normal and friendly behavior, especially if the guy has been drinking - it's perfectly fine to not like this, i wouldn't like if some random slob at the table did it to me either and he did it again i'd ask him to stop, but it should never shock you unless you're not well versed in social interaction

this is standard, there are many threads about anti-social people who are good at poker complaining about the difficulty of getting access to games - if you want to join in on a social event with people who are there to treat it as a social event then you'll need to learn to join in on the song and dance or not be welcome

they aren't inviting you over to play poker and give you money, they are inviting you over for your conversation and camraderie

it's like if you invited me over to go bird watching with you and each time you lifted up your binoculars to look at the birds i'd run straight at them and scare them away - do you think you'd invite me to go bird watching with you again if you had control over who was there?

this is standard male interaction, it's nothing unique to you - it probably sticks with you because you don't react to it very well

my main advice is that you spend some time working on yourself and learning how to socialize in groups

you also sound autistic, but you should get an actual diagnosis instead as like others have said, you're clearly lying about mental health professionals saying you probably are because they would have just gotten you tested

ie my good friend's brother came to visit and was autistic, i'd say "hey you want to go get lunch" and he interpreted that not as me inviting him to get lunch with me but rather that I was telling him to leave my house right now - he was surprised to learn it was an invite because i hadn't explicitly invited him - i get the feeling similar things are happening with you where your reads on the situation are deeply off and that's the root of all your problems

you listed a bunch of basic stuff everyone has to deal with and a lot of stuff that's downright reasonable for other people to say and do to you but act like it's a big deal

but i can't emphasize this enough, this isn't about poker at all, nor about bullies, it's about fitting in with society

i'm some who is not autistic, but also very deep on the spectrum, most of that stuff does not come naturally to me at all, i had to very much work hard to teach myself how normies interact and then act as they expect someone to act as well - for example, when i was younger, i'd just get bored with whatever drivel my classmates were saying and just stare off into space lost in my own thoughts - everyone thought that was incredibly weird and i was called things like the spaceman because of it - i worked on that, i made a more conscious effort to not just disregard what others were saying and actually listen and over time it also changed my own behavior and eventually it became natural and i haven't caught myself drifting off and staring into the ceiling for well over a decade because i've trained that deeply negative autistic trait out and my life is significantly in all aspects from social, career, and love life as a result of teaching myself to drop that anti-social behavior

you can do this, but the onus for change here is on you

here's a really good line someone shared a few years back that is really good advice

This mostly matches what I wanted to write. As an introverted quiet person, I made a lot of effort during the years to be more likeable and friendly at the poker table. Trust me, it's tough to play if everyone at the table dislikes you. Actually if it's a private game, you won't even be invited next time. Join in the conversation, laugh, smile, even make a few jokes...

As for playing as loose as other players you don't have to be all-in every other hand. Just calling every limp and small raise creates a loose image.

You can totally win with violence if you do it correctly