MY LAST SHOT AT POKER

hahaha more or less

It's mainly just because I lack discipline sometimes when I'm a bit tilted and stuck, and it's really easy when the action is a bit dead to load up 4 tables of rush and cash instead and for me this is just a waste of time for multiple reasons: Goes way too fast for my poor focus, lots of stress and tilt in those awful pools, supernitmeta where I only run into the nuts so could only be slightly +ev when I'm calm/super focussed. Hence I came up with that bounty post. Zoom on for example pokerstars I also experience too much stress and waste of time compared to current ev but at least there I'm probably +ev, had like 3-4evbb there or something last year (and then with some rb it's decent because lots of hands/h) so wanted to play that on the side (mainly heads up zoom) to run up a small roll there. But yeah I couldn't deposit anyway because of my location, so ended up not doing it.

I don't think I complained a lot about bad run in this blog. In general it's something I try to not do too often and even for myself I try to keep this entitled narrative like "I run bad and I deserve to run well" out of my head. Also I find it annoying when for example a friend just rambles on about how he is the unluckiest guy in the universe and that he runs the worst every time he gets coolered or has losing session. Also I want to say, I try to not put myself in a positions where if I lose it's gonna give me a strong emotional responds. If this is the case I shouldn't play it and if I play just take the ev and be a man if it goes bad (which in thise case, I failed).

But yeah atm I keep having this narrative in my head after it happened so I might aswell rant a little to write it out. I was just playing a session, playing well and focused and was going allright. I see a 1k table pop up too good to ignore. Now I have a rule with myself at this point to only play 1k during upswing, unless the spot is too good to ignore. And I thought this was the case. So yeah I sit down and again immediately get coolered twice for 2stacks, and afterwards the table just snapbreaks because the recreational that coolered me, punted it off. It's so incredible how every time I play it the doomswitch turns on. So ****ing frustrating man, just once again whole session down the drain. And I'm down now 40k+ this year on 1k over like 40/50k hands (with rakeback it's far less bad tho). And this frustration is starting to build up again, that so many times while playing my highest stake I have this shitrun.

pain

While I sat down I tried to prepair for this scenario, but still I felt a lot of accumalated emotion/entitlement coming up while it happened again. But yeah writing it out helps. While writing this I already calmed down. It can happen. If I didn't have this emotional responds, it would have been worth in terms of risk/reward. And despite running super bad at 1k this year, overall it's going well and I'm running fine (jackpot ev not included but let's not even start there hahaha). Will try to stop whining again from now on 😀

Interesting you have a 20k month without rkb included and you feel like this for two hands, its a great month, keep it up

pain :(

Best month so far in terms of profit:

With some rakeback and losing 5k on untracked site it's +$26k (previous best month was +22k). After I peaked somewhere in the middle of the month, I hit a nice $16.5k (2700bb) downswing. But luckily the bad run didn't stick for too long and I managed to not **** it all up somehow.

I played my last session on Thursday night and I'm currently on a break from the grind. I will start playing again probably on Tuesday. I was in a very nice flow with my game being sharp and good study habits + mental game felt strong. And usually after a break these things are a bit less sharp, but my expectations are too high. So I'm gonna try to start slowly again (low volume, shorter sessions) for a few days and try to be aware.

glgl next month

Hey dude, just wanted to tell you that you inspired me a lot. I resonate a lot with the mental health stuff you posted in the beginning. Im also in a similar spot you were in at the beginning. I also read that you were grinding in vienna for some time; would have loved to contact you back then but i wasnt even playing poker at that time haha
gl next month

Nice to hear mate, I wish you gl in your journey.

---

It's the year 2047. As someone who is nearing 50 years of age I realize I'm not the youngest anymore. My hair is turning greyer by the day, and my energy levels are not what they used to be. But something more extreme and unusual is happening. When I walk up the stairs I'm completely out of breath, I'm sometimes waking up at night sweating like a madman with my heart going crazy & the other day I fainted during grocery shopping just to be woken up by the staff members that confirmed me the price of a carton of milk is indeed €17.49. After the incident in the supermarket I finally went to see a doctor who did some sort of routine check. When he checked on my heart rate he nearly jumped out of his chair and immediately sent me to the hospital.

And there I was, in the hospital doing all sorts of Cardiac test. The setting was kinda looking like 50 cent"s "In Da Club" videoclip. But instead of a muscled rapper with a sweatband around his forehead, you see a tall slim man who looks like he is in his late 60"s with a worried look on his face exercising sizing with wires attached to his body. "Can you please tell me what the **** is going on?" Is what I asked the staff member who is wearing a white doctor's coat with semi bald hair. By the serious look on his face I knew I was in some serious trouble.

"Sir, you may not like what I have to tell you but it's looking like you have severe heart problems"
"Oh, alright than. That doesn't sound good"
"Do you have any prior history with heart disease and do does anyone in your family have a history with this?"
"No not that I'm aware of"
"Do you have any idea what might have caused this?"

I went in a deep brainstorm summarizing my life, and one thing came to mind. When I was in my mid-20's I went on to pursuit a career in online poker. It was 16 years ago when I played my last hand, but I remember the times quite well. I remember how exciting it was, me making a living out trying to outsmart my opponents in some (online) card game. Me vs the world working on a masterplan all by myself to create something out of nothing. But I also remember the downsides and stress it gave me. No real financial security, the future is a mystery, Constantly having financial swings, Variance always came when I felt not so ready for it. And also while playing sometimes I endured a bunch of stress, and sometimes I experienced these heart rate spikes when I got involved in certain hands.

"Yes, I think I have an idea. I pursued a career in a relatively high-stress field"
"You have any specific event that comes to mind in correlation with your current diagnosis?" (Because of his coat, I thought this guy was a doctor but apparently he also takes on the roll of a therapist)

Again I went into the tank (even after 16 years I still use the poker terms in my vocabulary), this hand came to mind that I played 23 years ago:

"No Doc (or whatever you are), I actually have nothing in mind."

We ended up chatting a little about some casual stuff like how the new Iphone 26 knows more about us than we know our selfs, how hot Margot Robbie was in her 30"s and Chelsea having spend only 12 billion pounds last summer was unexpectedly low and I was on my way out. As I stood in the doorway the guy in the white coat asks me out of nowhere:

"Sir, do you have any regrets in your choices? It seems like it's taking it's toll with this diagnosis"

(This guy is supposedly a doctor, psychologist and now also my conscious?)

"Uhmmm well, yeah there is actually something I regret..... I regret making the 3bb error of betting the river and instead I should have gone for the check/raise all in sir"

Before he can give his confused reaction (allthough it this point it wouldn't have suprised me if this strange guy also knew a bunch about poker) I stumble out the door with a smile on my face

Haha I always enjoy reading your blog, good stuff

^^

one of the best 2p2 blogs atm

Subbed lollllllllllllllllllllll
Lets go glgl !! 😀

Ty guys ♥

yo guys, for a while I wanted to do this but I was hesitant because:

1. It's pretty embarrassing that I need to do stuff like this to prevent myself from playing it, and that I'm not disciplined enough sometimes if I see a super +ev opportunity
2. The risk/reward is pretty close to almost worth it. I've had such good and +ev opportunities the last months playing it (and I know they will appear again) and apparently I can lose a lot of buy ins there and still have a good year

But yeah, just opened discord and after already complaining a bit about the bad run here and thinking about not playing it anymore this was the nail in the coffin:

(in Dutch, "I see your month going well again, lfg")

So I'm thinking, what is he talking about? I'm down for the month (only down a little). Than I figured he probably looking at one of these tracking sites and can't see my results for 1k and above. So I checked my tracker and yeah that was pretty confronting.... Because again in the 3k hands I played on 1k this month I lost more than 10k which is more than I won in the 10k hands I played on other limits. And this has to stop. For months I been taking shots, and even now after being down 47 buys ins I don't regret it (for the most part). Because a decent % of volume I played there, was for sure +ev.

And also facing opponents who play regularly 5k+ made me learn from playing them/analyzing their game, but also confronted me how bad I am (relatively) in this game which is something I needed (and also look for coaching but will make different post about this) and drop the ego a bit thinking I was already good and that it was only a matter of having roll and better mindset to move up. It was pretty confronting at first realizing how big the gap was between me and some of them in terms of skill, and it really hurt my confidence and it almost demotivated me. Even though I was making the most money so far in the journey having massive winrates at +/-500 I really felt like 1k was the ceiling. But now that I'm back studying and improving a lot the confidence and motivation is growing back and I'm working again towards closing that gap. Long story short, it was a good learning experience.

But yeah same as for rush and cash goes for nl1000 6max on GG (I will still play 500fr) that if anyone see me play 1k post screen here and I will send $500 (unless my acc gets hacked or something haha). I will not make exceptions like making a post how it doesn't apply anymore 😃 😃 This bounty will apply untill 01/01/2025. Because starting from 2025 I will play nl1k regularly and allow myself to lose 30+ buy ins or whatever without moving down constantly. I will give myself time the following 3.5 months to improve a bit more and also grow the bankroll and be better prepared.

I know when I make a post like this I will not play it anyway, because even though probably no one gives a **** it feels like I'm being watched when I waitlist a table with a superfish on it. So to compensate if the bounty is not collected by the end of the year I will give away 2 coaching sessions to random picked followers. I know I'm a complete donk with probably nothing to teach to 90% of readers but I have to compensate somehow 😃

This will be the last post I make for a while, I will try to do a year wrap up end of the year. glgl