2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Baker has certainly done enough to be at the smiff tier of being good enough til you find the guy
I imagine tampa will treat him as such
I could live to be a thousand and I’ll never understand wtf happened with the iggles
From the Niners game onward they were ****ing terrible and their 10-1 start if you take a deeper dive was just Vikings level right-side-of-variance. Like this was just a bad ****ing team with all the talent in the world. This can’t all be Gannon. If it is sirianni has to go
nice forgot about fraudgers somehow
I could live to be a thousand and I’ll never understand wtf happened with the iggles
From the Niners game onward they were ****ing terrible and their 10-1 start if you take a deeper dive was just Vikings level right-side-of-variance. Like this was just a bad ****ing team with all the talent in the world. This can’t all be Gannon. If it is sirianni has to go
Vikings were the comp I thought of last night as well. Eagles ran pretty hot in 1-score games to get to 10-1 and then it all came crashing down.
I could live to be a thousand and I’ll never understand wtf happened with the iggles
From the Niners game onward they were ****ing terrible and their 10-1 start if you take a deeper dive was just Vikings level right-side-of-variance. Like this was just a bad ****ing team with all the talent in the world. This can’t all be Gannon. If it is sirianni has to go
Their largest margin of victory during the season was 14 against Miami and the Bucs who destroyed them last night.
I don't really remember their early games in the season but later on they looked pretty bad against every competent team including the wins against KC and Buffalo that got them to 10-1. At KC they had something like 230 total yards and Buffalo outgained them by >100 too IIRC.
Was that the first win for Tampa against a team that finished better than 9-8 this season?
Eagles barely won a shootout with WAS early, which didn't seem like a big deal at the time since I think the Commanders were 2-0 and there was some thought they might not suck, but looking back that was probably a red flag. As of course was their one loss in those 11 games being to Zach Wilson.
Maybe Baker gets a bit of love (no pun intended) but it won't be huge.
Love on the other hand is suddenly a meteor.
IMO, Baker will get at least a Geno Smith deal and more likely something closer to the current Jared Goff $$ so long as he plays ok this weekend
He might get more. Every agent of mid tier starting QBs is going to use the Daniel Jones contract as their starting point
love is playing so well that fraudgers prolly gonna call him a pedophile or something
I could live to be a thousand and I’ll never understand wtf happened with the iggles
From the Niners game onward they were ****ing terrible and their 10-1 start if you take a deeper dive was just Vikings level right-side-of-variance. Like this was just a bad ****ing team with all the talent in the world. This can’t all be Gannon. If it is sirianni has to go
Vikings were the comp I thought of last night as well. Eagles ran pretty hot in 1-score games to get to 10-1 and then it all came crashing down.
PHI: the NFL's 25th best team
So much trash talk of Rodgers here. He is the respected elder shaman of the jets and is currently in the jungles of brazil preparing to lead NY to superbowl next season. You will all be silienced.
Those contracts tho, ouch. Hurts sucks, murry and wilson... too bad.
Yea baker will get paid, but if he can do it..... Purdy gonna be mega rich
As a Bills Fan I'm ecstatic about the future of the AFC EAST:
- Patriots hire Jarod Mayo
- Jets running it back with Rodgers
- Dolphins extending Tua
If Bork delivers a Super Bowl I don’t give a flying **** if they give him 100 mil a year and the Niners don’t win for the next quarter century
That said, the Niners almost won a Super Bowl on two separate occasions with ****ing Womp. They’re not going to pay Bork hurts money
And lynch and Kyle to their absolute credit have made it clear they don’t give a flying **** about optics as it relates to progress. Womp was beloved over here and they tried to replace him every ****ing year til they finally did and they caught hell for betting the farm on Bork instead of the guy they dealt 3 1s for. Even if the Niners win it all they’re going to be drafting a qb every season ready to cut him loose if the number is too high to resign him
well 9ers are 1 of the few (maybe only) teams that could move on from a QB and take a step back and people would get it because of how well they've been the QB whisperers over the years
most of these Qbs have the teams over a barrel at the time they get paid
If Bork delivers a Super Bowl I don’t give a flying **** if they give him 100 mil a year and the Niners don’t win for the next quarter century
him
You say this now but you won’t mean it if it happens
In my #1 sport, my BFF team the Sydney Roosters (playing in Vegas in a few weeks) have won the competition 4 times since 2000 and have been beaten in the Grand Final another 4 times. We’ve only missed qualifying for the playoffs a couple of times in the last 15 years.
But the pain of losing or playing badly or remains at least as strong.
So much trash talk of Rodgers here. He is the respected elder shaman of the jets and is currently in the jungles of brazil preparing to lead NY to superbowl next season. You will all be silienced.
I focused on the "elder" part.
So much trash talk of Rodgers here. He is the respected elder shaman of the jets and is currently in the jungles of brazil preparing to lead NY to superbowl next season. You will all be silienced.
Those contracts tho, ouch. Hurts sucks, murry and wilson... too bad.
Yea baker will get paid, but if he can do it..... Purdy gonna be mega rich
fantastic
could that be the reason?
i didn't watch much eagle football until 2.Chip was their coach
but quickly discovered the glory of jason kelce snapping a ball then pulling downfield to wipe out half the secondary
Spoiler
Hopefully Jurgens can step in for Kelce. And Steen looked ok in running situations. The Eagles OL should be fine.
Sounds like Jim Irsay almost died.
Addiction is a bitch.
Cmonnn death!
strange bc Irsay looks like the model of healthy living in that pic
