2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
I wonder what’s gonna happen with Pacheco’s future?
He was acquired for basically nothing, is making peanuts now, has about a ~0% chance of getting the bag in KC, and he’s CRITICALLY important to the success of KC’s offense.
Ravens get extra day of rest plus no flight home. Should be -3.5/48 but could go up to 4, maybe 4.5. Late action should go other way so KC bettors should bet early.
I wonder what’s gonna happen with Pacheco’s future?
He was acquired for basically nothing, is making peanuts now, has about a ~0% chance of getting the bag in KC, and he’s CRITICALLY important to the success of KC’s offense.
he's under contract for 2 more years and can't re-negotiate til the end of next season, even if there was a willingness from Chiefs.
if he has another good year, my guess is they might extend him after 24 season...if it's a team favourable deal.
**** the ****ing chiefs man i'm so ****ing sick of this ****
no idea how the Bills stay with McDermott, not that they are necessarily winning anything if they do get rid of him but they are guaranteed not to ever win anything as long as he is in charge
feels like the Bills window closed tonight. a good run, but not quite good enough.
They're currently $45m over the cap for next season
they can't get out of that insane Von Miller deal til after next season. Diggs counts $27m on their cap next season.
maybe they re-structure Jawsh and push his cap hit down the track? ($47m cap hit currently)
Looks like he's over the loss on Monday. Taylor should have joined him though.
Sometime toward the end of the game they gave us a shot of Taylor and you could see Kelce's torso, he was sitting behind her, still shirtless, looking like he was chugging another beer.
Would have been more on brand if he'd been a Buffalo fan, but I guess being in Buffalo is good enough.
a shirtless man holding a beer and celebrating a touchdown?? game's gone :(
took the chiefs because i just had that sinking feeling buffalo would choke
So the bucs did have a timeout and didn't call it got reasons? And the lions also didn't run off a bunch of extra time for reasons?
Thought the graphic had to be wrong
Maybe that play is proof the NFL is rigged and everyone playing was thinking "ok it's over lions win like they are supposed to" and didn't realize the situation.
They better not, it's the funniest play in sports
Kelce now second all time playoff receptions, yards and TDs all behind Jerry Rice
he's a very good chance to catch Rice for receptions (6 behind), a decent chance to catch him for TDs (4 behind) and a long shot to catch him for yards (550 behind)
pretty impressive stuff though, particularly when he's only played 22 post season games and Rice played 31
Maybe that play is proof the NFL is rigged and everyone playing was thinking "ok it's over lions win like they are supposed to" and didn't realize the situation.
IIRC Lions had 1st down w/ 1:33. So if Goff kneeled 3 times + a delay of game that would leave 93 - 6 - 80 = 7 seconds for 4th down, assuming Knowles takes a TO.
I'm guessing since Knowles did not take TO on either 2nd or 3rd down, Campbell/Goff surmised that he would not take TO on 4th down, hence kneeling on 3rd down with 0:30.
I was waiting for Knowles to prove his brilliance and take the TO @ 0:29, which would have been an awesome angle shoot.
Either that or Knowles gestured to Campbell that the game was over, and Lions played it accordingly.
Alright. Showdown with Mahomes. Lets go.
The idea is that the gain for reaching for the goalline is high (a TD) so the penalty for failing to get there has to be equally high.
I was always on this "Stupidest thing in football" side but I've warmed to it a little recently. I heard someone use the analogy that "if you're storming the castle and you drop your ladder in the moat, you don't get your ladder back" and I get it.
It's really the ball going out of the side of the end zone.
The ball going out behind the end zone would still be a touchback.
