2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Callahan will be missed as he has a good relationship w JOE and is liked in the building. that said, if Pitcher is retained/promoted, the train should still be able to cruise down the tracks
That was the expectation in KC when QB coach (and former Chiefs OC and Bears HC) Matt Nagy was promoted to replace Eric Bienemy. Now everybody wishes that never happened.
if CIN doesn't move quick to secure his svcs, look for LVG to perhaps poach him away
CIN has had unreal continuity, as this will be Zac's first coordinator hire since taking the gig in 2019
Callahan will be missed as he has a good relationship w JOE and is liked in the building. that said, if Pitcher is retained/promoted, the train should still be able to cruise down the tracks
how i'll remember Callahan's tenure best
Just heard something on a pod that I wasn’t aware of/had forgotten
Old news: Dak Prescott has one year left on his deal
New news: Dak has both a no trade clause AND a no franchise tag clause
32yo QB, second in All Pro votes who will be top 5 in MVP voting
LEVERAGE!!!
Either he signs the biggest contract in NFL history (I’d be guessing $60m per) or he’ll be a free agent at the end of the season at which point he will sign by far the biggest contract in NFL history
Dak’s current cap hit for 2024 is $58m
Also, Jeudy needs extending and will want highest paid receiver.
Zack Martin has one year left (with a cap hit of 28.5) and is going to want highest at his position
Parsons is now extendable, he’s going to want highest paid defender ever and he seems like the type that might hold out. (Not judging, I would too)
Gonna be a large cash outlay this offseason
I tried pineapple and ham pizza once when my friend ordered a medium pie in a group hangout from dominoes (yes i have real life friends, dont be so shocked)
Putrid stuff
Shouldnt even qualify as “pizza”
Dak’s current cap hit for 2024 is $58m
Also, Jeudy needs extending and will want highest paid receiver.
Zack Martin has one year left (with a cap hit of 28.5) and is going to want highest at his position
Parsons is now extendable, he’s going to want highest paid defender ever and he seems like the type that might hold out. (Not judging, I would too)
Gonna be a large cash outlay this offseason
Pretty sure Jeudy doesn't play for the Cowboys. Lamb?
What time is it there. It's 5am in the great state of Texas.
Just heard something on a pod that I wasn’t aware of/had forgotten
Old news: Dak Prescott has one year left on his deal
New news: Dak has both a no trade clause AND a no franchise tag clause
32yo QB, second in All Pro votes who will be top 5 in MVP voting
LEVERAGE!!!
Either he signs the biggest contract in NFL history (I’d be guessing $60m per) or he’ll be a free agent at the end of the season at which point he will sign by far the biggest contr
i think your assumption that he's going to have another great season is a bold and huge one. it's also plausible he could reduce his value with how he plays next year.
the rest of this is pretty close to objectively accurate.
I look forward to reading all the Purdy hater hot takes after they beat the Lions and advance to the Super Bowl. You guys will have two weeks to tell us how awful he is.
You talk more about how awful he is than everyone else combined. Congrats.
I'm not sure what is worse: Hawaiian pizza or someone saying something positive about little caesars and making no mention of the crazy bread.
I’m just gonna say it, Costco combination pizza is the best
In terms of quality obviously it’s nothing special but I will take that over LC, Pizza Hut, papa John’s, dominos any day of the week
Utterly massive. Cheap. It won’t rock your world but it’ll never be bad
imagine having strong opinions about a football player, in a thread about football - and not being willing to share them unless a bunch of other people are saying the same thing.
imagine being like that about anything.
i can't imagine that. if someone doesn't like my views thats too bad, i'm going to say them. and i'm demonstrating that right now.
