2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Brock really is the #1 content guy in the NFL right now. Clear MVP.
Everyone has a polarised position on him. I’m not sure whether him winning or him losing the SB will generate more content which is a sure fire way of saying that the content will continue next season
The internet wasn’t nearly as big a thing in the early 2000s and fortunately I’ve never listened to sports radio, but I wonder what the discussions about Brady would have been in those days.
or Kurt Warner
remind me again, what's less than irrelevant?
Him losing the SB will 100% generate more, even just in this forum. If he was due a contract soon it might be different
Him losing the SB will 100% generate more, even just in this forum. If he was due a contract soon it might be different
let's say he goes 17-30 for 289 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble. Backbreaking pick 6 early in the game, a few interceptable balls are dropped but he manages a Q4 come from behind drive where CMC takes a screen 32 yards for the score and the win
The Odds of Taylor dating a football player and said player making the SB is so slim. Do you think she looked at futures before picking who to date? Like the odds are just unreal that Chiefs made it. Her PR team is goated.
I don't think they start dating if Kelce hadn't hosted SNL, which doesn't happen unless the Chiefs win last year's Super Bowl. SNL was his audition tape to go shoot his shot.
let's say he goes 17-30 for 289 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble. Backbreaking pick 6 early in the game, a few interceptable balls are dropped but he manages a Q4 come from behind drive where CMC takes a screen 32 yards for the score and the win
There'll be the usual mix of Purdy got carried, anyone could do that etc. but defenders could just say he got the ring so debate won't last long. If he plays badly and loses you'll have that mix as well as the smugness of people saying he wasn't ever good even though he's gone to Championship Game and Superbowl in his first two seasons, which I think only Roethlisberger has done? But in that case defenders can't point to the ring so it'll be the usual back and forth but with no end until the draft
There'll be the usual mix of Purdy got carried, anyone could do that etc. but defenders could just say he got the ring so debate won't last long. If he plays badly and loses you'll have that mix as well as the smugness of people saying he wasn't ever good even though he's gone to Championship Game and Superbowl in his first two seasons, which I think only Roethlisberger has done? But in that case defenders can't point to the ring so it'll b
meanwhile Get Up will lead with Dak Prescott every day til September
Brock really is the #1 content guy in the NFL right now. Clear MVP.
Everyone has a polarised position on him. I’m not sure whether him winning or him losing the SB will generate more content which is a sure fire way of saying that the content will continue next season
The internet wasn’t nearly as big a thing in the early 2000s and fortunately I’ve never listened to sports radio, but I wonder what the discussions about Brady would have been
If the 9ers lose its another late failure by the team by Kyle and he becomes the story and can the 9ers win with him as coach. Bork is still a story but he becomes more obscure
Now if the 9ers win Bork becomes the undisputed content king of football. Every story is how did this happen, is Bork Brady? Is Bork a fluke? Bork isn’t elite! Bork is elite! More Super Bowl wins then (a bunch of good qbs drafted in the 1st) combined!
If SF wins Purdy becomes the new mahomes - everyone will claim he is the GOAT for ~4 years and then when he doesn't have historically elite weapons around him he will look like a good QB but not good enough to be on the QB Mt Rushmore.
Quinn to the Commanders. That is such an underwhelming hire given their situation.
The stench of the Synders must still be on the org around the league.
Lololol Washington. Didn't know Dan Snyder is actually still in charge.
Yes but they had to get through Dolphins, Bills and Ravens which was so unlikely for them to succeed.
This really isn't that amazing.
Dolphins - Everyone knew they were overrated and a Miami-based team had to play in sub-zero weather. I guess you forgot about that.
Bills - They always choke. What else is new?
Ravens - Unexplicitly, the team with the best running offence decided to pass the ball 90% of the time. It was almost as if the coaching staff was paid to throw the game. Stupidest game plan I've ever seen.
Hardly some murderers row of teams.
This really isn't that amazing.
Dolphins - Everyone knew they were overrated and a Miami-based team had to play in sub-zero weather. I guess you forgot about that.
Bills - They always choke. What else is new?
Ravens - Unexplicitly, the team with the best running offence decided to pass the ball 90% of the time. It was almost as if the coaching staff was paid to throw the game. Stupidest game plan I've ever seen.
Hardly some murderers row of tea
if KC wins the SB they would have literally beaten the three best teams in the NFL other than themselves. who would you have preferred them play instead? Cleveland? Houston? Pittsburgh?
Brock Purdy is unstoppable. So what you're saying is that one day, Mahomes can be like Purdy.
Mahomes has been a starter for 6 years and had kelce + tyreek for 4 of those years (both of which are on the mt rushmore of their positions) and you are telling me mahomes should be on mt rushmore too because he won 2 super bowls? With a mt rushmore QB, TE and WR for 4 years I would expect at least 3 Super bowls and fewer than 3 losses each year.
We don't need to argue this now as time will prove me right.
before you or anyone tries to poke holes in what i said with bad logic like this - make sure what you're saying has never happened to Mahomes. as those are the goalposts.
I never claimed Mahomes was unstoppable.
Besides that, Mahomes got hurt in the playoffs last season and missed exactly one drive. We know how that season ended for Mahomes and how it ended for Purdy.
Mahomes has been a starter for 6 years and had kelce + tyreek for 4 of those years (both of which are on the mt rushmore of their positions) and you are telling me mahomes should be on mt rushmore too because he won 2 super bowls? With a mt rushmore QB, TE and WR for 4 years I would expect at least 3 Super bowls and fewer than 3 losses each year.
We don't need to argue this now as time will prove me right.
Joe Montana had the best player at their position in any sport ever catching his passes, and that isn't held against him. I don't see why good teammates make a QB worse.
But it's probably a tossup right now but to me it's moot. The only question for Mahomes really is whether he passes Brady for GOAT status. He's only 28.
