2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Whether you like Hurts or not, I think it's safe to say he doesn't show a lot of emotion. Going off his comments the last few weeks I don't think he likes Sirianni.
in ten years when the NFL is on the path to becoming baseball the outsourcing playoff games to streaming services will be seen as the start of the downfall. the fact that it's dolphins-chiefs makes it 10x worse
Looking like it could be zero degrees and windy Sat night at KC.
don't actually bet nfl because lol rigged but initial takes on openers:
+generally agree defense wins championships but for whatever reason think it's neutralized on dome turf and can't deny stroud is goat gimme hou +120
+kc -3 all day (non)bet of the month
+buf -10 bc lol steelers, ghost of rapelisburger will haunt them for decades, especially when they don't benefit from 10+ phantom calls at home
+dal -7.5 sry gb but you cant play softcakes forever
+in my heart i love det -3 bc theyve looked good all year and that crowd will be shouting for their lives and i hate stafford, but my head says think [URL="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Opposite"]costanza method
[/URL] and mcvay will probably find a way to outsmart headstrong psycho dan campbell, gimme lar +150
+unless hurts has been playing rope-a-dope for five weeks i'll take tb +2.5 ty
in ten years when the NFL is on the path to becoming baseball the outsourcing playoff games to streaming services will be seen as the start of the downfall. the fact that it's dolphins-chiefs makes it 10x worse
Live sports might be the only reason why broadcast TV will still be around in 10 years.
At the end of the game Chris Collinsworth said something along the lines of people should just ask their kids to sign them up for Peacock ahead of time so they make sure they'll be ready to roll come next Saturday.
in ten years when the NFL is on the path to becoming baseball the outsourcing playoff games to streaming services will be seen as the start of the downfall. the fact that it's dolphins-chiefs makes it 10x worse
It’s an unbelievably bad decision. How many bars will be able to show it? My casino hasn’t shown a Prime game all year, not that anyone missed much.
NFL POWER RANKINGS - PLAYOFFS
Forget week 18 rankings. The other 18 teams just didn't cut it (though I certainly believe a couple teams that missed, are better than a couple that made it).
Elite Juggernauts
1. Ravens (13-4)
2. Niners (12-5)
They can be beat, but they are clearly the two best teams. Path goes through them ldo.
Contenders
3. Bills (11-6)
4. Cowboys (12-5)
5. Lions (12-5)
6. Rams (10-7)
7. Browns (11-6)
Contenders, yeah, don't know what else to say about these teams. Think we will see a serious flex by the Browns defense in Houston.
Wildcards
8. Dolphins (11-6)
9. Eagles (11-6)
10. Chiefs (11-6)
Wildcards metaphorically of course, given the Chiefs won the paltry AFC West. Hard to imagine ranking a Mahomes-led team as the 10th best playoff team, but here we are. Don't know what to expect from these three, but you can't count them out entirely.
Good job, good effort
11. Texans (10-7)
12. Packers (9-8)
13. Bucs (9-8)
14. Steelers (10-7)
Congratulations, you made it to the dance. When the music turns you're going to get annihilated. Of the four teams here I like the Bucs chances to advance the most, given how Philly is playing, but any of these winning will be a surprise.
Arthur Smith out
Midnight Monday, not messing around
really interested to hear what the Pats do with BB. Guessing he won’t be fired - he’ll be traded if they don’t want to keep him. Either that or they bring in a GM and he stays as coach but I wonder whether he accepts that. He can’t be allowed to be in charge of personnel any more but I reckon he can still coach
Guessing Rivera out but other than these two there might actually not be many more. We’ve already lost Raiders, Chargers and Panthers
Bears coach will keep his job now, Jets have already said Salah stays and Giants will keep Daboll. Cards have looked better in second half
Maybe Vrabel but imo he’s a vg coach and he might have trade value, like BB
Any others?
Josh Allen threw for more than double Tua’s yards, and had over 10 yards more rushing than Achane.
LOL dolphins really are frauds. Texans have a chance. They could squeek one by browns. They at least could get to second round. LFG
Josh Allen threw for more than double Tua’s yards, and had over 10 yards more rushing than Achane.
400+ yards 80% completion percentage
He finishes the season with 44 total touchdowns , 6 more than the next closest player...
And.....44 Tds to Lamars 29.... MVP MVP MVP
And lets not forget Josh Allen is NOT A PROBOWLER yet finishing 3-0 vs. Tua and Mahomes) -
Josh
4,900 total yards
44 Tds
66.5% completion %
18 INT
69.3 QBR
Tua
4,700 total yards
29 TDs
66.9% completion %
14 INT
60.5 QBR
Mahomes (one less game)
4,500 total yards
27 TDs
67.2% completion %
14 INT
62.9 QBR
Black Monday is in full force.
Bob Meyers really was light years ahead jumping off that sinking Warriors ship
I guess my take on Allen not winning MVP could be wrong. Although I think he should be penalized for the turnovers and for not being able to close it out on that final 4th and 1.
BB is definitely gone. I suspect the pats will try to do this with dignity and at least try to trade him or release him from the contract, I’d be shocked if he’s fired
The list to replace him should start and end with Harbaugh. You’re not going back to the well of bullshit that is the patriot way, you can’t replace BB in a total tear down with some flavor of the month coordinator, you’re getting the 3rd pick, you have a ton of cap space and Harbaugh can certainly succeed there
Besides that he keeps getting associated with the raiders and chargers and both are TERRIBLE jobs. Pats are a fantastic landing spot
That’d be pretty funny if you replaced the most notorious professional sign stealer with the college version
all things considered, it really was a remarkable performance by CIN this season
Speaking of remarkable performances, browning’s lady friend? A+
BB is definitely gone. I suspect the pats will try to do this with dignity and at least try to trade him or release him from the contract, I’d be shocked if he’s fired
The list to replace him should start and end with Harbaugh. You’re not going back to the well of bullshit that is the patriot way, you can’t replace BB in a total tear down with some flavor of the month coordinator, you’re getting the 3rd pick, you have a ton of cap space and
I think Mike Vrabel is interesting. Seems like he is all but done dealing with Tennessee's front office.
