2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
If the Bears take a QB it most likely will be the wrong one. Starting QBs last 20 years.
I can only speak with certainty about one of those but Justin Fields was not some kind of bone headed move unless you're operating entirely in hindsight. He was as solid as any of the four behind Lawrence and it turns out all 5 might be garbage. Absolutely nobody predicted that.
I suspect the same is true of some of their other QB draft picks.
I’d be happy with Belichick to the Falcons. Just don’t let him draft or pick the free agents.
I think I’d like Vrabel more, though. Proven to take meh teams to the playoffs, commands the locker room’s respect. Seems like his best days are still ahead of him.
Arthur Smith was a Tennessee guy, though. Blank may not want to go back to that well again.
Trust me, you want Vrabel.
I think when he asked himself where to coach he settled on where he couldn’t have it any better.
Then he naturally gravitated to 1. Chargers
Do we root for him to succeed or fail spectacularly?
It's pretty great for neutral fans imo. Seeing Herbert in the playoffs would be fun, but abysmal failure should be hilarious
1. Chargers has made my week.
I can't wait until Harbaugh ruins Herbert and people will still argue how elite of a HC he is.
Top 5 coach oat. May be better at shining a turd than elevating a good QB, though.
I can’t wait to see how Harbaugh adapts to having an elite QB and no pieces for a power running game. He didn’t throw to the backs much at Michigan, presumably because he didn’t have to. Life will be different now.
He’ll definitely be pounding the table to draft Brock Bowers tho.
Panthers land Canales. I'm excited.
He's got the look
Brian Callahan quoted Klopp. Im in.
Happy for Callahan. Gonna be a rebuild though.
Almost feel bad for Herbert.
Finalists
MVP: Lamar, Dak, Purdy, CMC, Josh
OPOY:CMC, Reek, Lamb, Dak, Lamar
I’m very curious what Herbert looks like in a Harbaugh offense. He’s obviously the best qb he’s had in any capacity since luck and even when he had luck the year they went 11-1 or 12-1 whatever it was the most yards luck threw in a game was in their only loss. In their wins luck threw for 300 twice and both times barely above that
He has never deviated from that offensive scheme with the Niners or Michigan
Falcons to hire Raheem Morris to be the next head coach.
Eh. I’d like to think he’s learned and grown since his last disastrous stint as HC. The Falcons played hard for him when he was the interim.
Not my first choice, but I don’t hate it.
I think Raheem is a nice get, but he's going to need a strong OC.
I think it was a good day for the NFCS.
Falcons to hire Raheem Morris to be the next head coach.
Eh. I’d like to think he’s learned and grown since his last disastrous stint as HC. The Falcons played hard for him when he was the interim.
Not my first choice, but I don’t hate it.
you did well to fade BB I think
Guessing he’ll attract a good OC - has Kliff got a job yet?
So that leaves the Seahawks and Commanders? I think Ben Johnson is basically a lock to the Commanders.
For the Seahawks, I really hope they fade Dan Quinn. I can't believe he's even in consideration, but his second interview was today.
Raheem was supposed to have a second interview with Seattle tomorrow, but that's cancelled. It looks like they have Evero on Saturday for a 2nd, but I'm really hoping Carolina finds a way to keep him with Canales.
Seattle also had second interviews with Patrick Graham and Mike Kafka.
I'm surprised Slowik, Macdonald, Monken, and Vrabel aren't in consideration.
Guess they want to keep it defensive, as 4 of the 5 second interviews are on that side of the ball.
Vrabel to Commanders makes a lot of sense to me
I totally get the Johnson thing too given their QB pick and how good he’s been in Detroit etc but if I was them I’d want the all round competence of an experienced coach
Vrabel could definitely bring some solid stability and culture, especially with new ownership.
But it seems like Ben has been the leader there since the start of the process. And the fact no one else has scooped him up yet just seems like him and the Commanders already have a tentative agreement that'll be announced once the Lions season is over. Although, the Commanders are still interviewing other candidates.
I’m very curious what Herbert looks like in a Harbaugh offense. He’s obviously the best qb he’s had in any capacity since luck and even when he had luck the year they went 11-1 or 12-1 whatever it was the most yards luck threw in a game was in their only loss. In their wins luck threw for 300 twice and both times barely above that
He has never deviated from that offensive scheme with the Niners or Michigan
He tried speed in space for 5 minutes and realized how dumb that was and made a quick u-turn back to his roots and promptly took over all of college football, but I agree with the spirit of your statement and my response would be I hope he NEVER deviates. It's real football the way the game was meant to be played. Winning "with character and cruelty"! As Pwnsall correctly said, we're talking about a top 5 oat football coach and he's STILL in his prime. Herbert will be fine.
He tried speed in space for 5 minutes and realized how dumb that was and made a quick u-turn back to his roots and promptly took over all of college football, but I agree with the spirit of your statement and my response would be I hope he NEVER deviates. It's real football the way the game was meant to be played. Winning "with character and cruelty"! As Pwnsall correctly said, we're talking about a top 5 oat football coach and he's STIL
I don’t think Harbaugh’s scheme is a problem if you have the personnel to swing it. Stanford, 9ers and Michigan were built on dominant running schemes built on elite o-lines and suffocating defenses with a great front 7
I don’t know that the chargers after they deal with the cap have the personnel to execute that same scheme. Maybe I’m wrong idk
