2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
as if things hadn't already hit rock-bottom for the Panthers, their dumbass owner throws his drink on JAX fans
the NFL has said they're aware of the video
Purdy literally silences the haters. They don't say a single word when he redeems himself. They're just going to wait silently until he has another bad game before they start chirping loudly again.
From what I read in here, the takes "against" Purdy look like, "Purdy's good, but Lamar's the MVP".
You reading that as "Purdy is awful" is quite a bit of mental gymnastics.
There's only two likely outcomes for the Phins.
1. Allen does what he does best against them and goes off. Miami accepts their fate and goes on to lose to the Chiefs in the WC round.
2. Allen does what he does best in general and has 4 turnovers and loses the game. Miami gets their hopes up only to play the Bills again in the WC round and get smashed.
The 3rd and least likely scenario would be Miami, Pittsburgh and Jacksonville winning next week which would eliminate the Bills. Then Miami plays Pittsburgh in the WC, and maybe (shrug) they can win a playoff game.
The Bills play 8 quarters with the Patriots and the cumulative score is 52-50. So many weird things about the Bills.
There's only two likely outcomes for the Phins.
1. Allen does what he does best against them and goes off. Miami accepts their fate and goes on to lose to the Chiefs in the WC round.
2. Allen does what he does best in general and has 4 turnovers and loses the game. Miami gets their hopes up only to play the Bills again in the WC round and get smashed.
The 3rd and least likely scenario would be Miami, Pittsburgh and Jacksonville winning nex
More realism that I would have expected from you after last week. This is spot on. Dolphins are frauds.
Would be Miami, Pittsburgh and Jacksonville winning next week which would eliminate the Bills.
This would be maximum lols.
[Highlight]'The Buffalo Bills would be out of the playoffs if the Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers both win their matchups and the Bills lose. Making matters worse for Buffalo, both teams have favorable matchups.'[/Highlight]
This would be maximum lols.
[Highlight]'The Buffalo Bills would be out of the playoffs if the Jacksonville Jaguars and Pittsburgh Steelers both win their matchups and the Bills lose. Making matters worse for Buffalo, both teams have favorable matchups.'[/Highlight]
Steelers and Jaguars both opened -3.5 at Baltimore/Tennessee. Bills opened -3 at Miami.
Pretty sure everyone in the AFC outside Buffalo hopes for the Bills to not make it.
Ravens should still play the Steelers tough with the starters resting next week.
Why? They should tank and just hope they get the results needed for Buffalo to miss out.
Only Buffalo and Cleveland may give the Ravens a sweat. Everyone else will get rolled. Why not just take your best shot at eliminating the team that is the second best team in the conference right now?
ya they should clearly tank and i think they will, ravens are a smart org and very hungry for postseason success in the lamar era
you wanna duck that bills smoke so you can smoke on that dolphins and chiefs pack in the playoffs as the kids would say
lamar is HIM
Makes sense although I still don't believe anyone should be afraid of the Bills.
Only way they're getting to the SB is if they get to play Miami in all 3 rounds.
NFL POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 17
ELIte
1. Ravens (13-3)
2. Niners (12-4)
Would make for a pretty epic lead up if they were to run it back for the Superbowl. I'd call it a pretty true pick'em.
Solid teams...?
3. Bills (10-6)
4. Cowboys (11-5)
5. Dolphins (11-5)
6. Lions (11-5)
7. Eagles (11-5)
8. Rams (9-7)
9. Browns (11-5)
Not sure what to do about the Eagles. In a 1-4 tailspin in their last 5 with two losses to what should be clearly inferior opposition. I questioned whether to drop them further. These five teams have high ceilings but obviously do not/are not hitting them consistently.
Eventually playoff bound?
10. Chiefs (10-6)
11. Jaguars (9-7)
12. Texans (9-7)
13. Seahawks (8-8)
14. Packers (8-8)
Rounds out my predicted 14 playoff teams. Texans-Colts for the 7 seed (or maybe 4 if the Jags lose, which is also the only way the Steelers get in if they win), and Packers could lose to the Bears but I think they survive and make it in. But wait! A wild NFC South winner will emerge. God help us, if the Falcons somehow get in, they're going to be 10+ point dogs to whoever.
Nobody really knows if these teams are good or bad
15. Colts (9-7)
16. Broncos (8-8)
17. Saints (8-8)
18. Bucs (8-8)
19. Steelers (9-7)
Not good teams.
Most people know these teams aren't good
20. Bengals (8-8)
21. Vikings (7-9)
22. Bears (7-9)
23. Jets (6-10)
24. Falcons (7-9)
25. Raiders (7-9)
#24 with a chip and a chair.
Everyone knows these teams are bad
26. Chargers (5-11)
27. Titans (5-11)
28. Giants (5-11)
29. Cardinals (4-12)
30. Commanders (4-12)
31. Pats (4-12)
32. Panthers (2-14)
Respect to the Cards to showing this group how it's done.
Saturday games determined? Looks like PIT @ BAL early and HOU @ TEX in the evening.
I appreciate the optimism of having Miami at 5, but that's too high despite being a playoff team.
Until they can beat the Bills next week, or win a playoff game against a team other than the Steelers or Colts. Then they don't deserve to be in the top 10, let alone in the top 5.
Oh and you can probably move the Chiefs out of "Eventually Playoff Bound" since they're definitely playoff bound.
I think I'd rank 3-14 something like
Cowboys
Bills
Rams
Lions
Browns
Dolphins
Chiefs
Eagles
Texans
Packers
Jags
Seahawks
I’d have Eagles ahead of the Bills still. I watched that Pats Bills game and it was not impressive
Why pittsburgh vs Baltimore on Saturday ? May be Baltimore backups. There were no better games?
I’d have Eagles ahead of the Bills still. I watched that Pats Bills game and it was not impressive
At least the Bills won. The Eagles just lost at home to one of the worst teams in the league.
I had mostly been forgiving to the Eagles this year. But I think this one kind of seals their fate. Shane Steichen and Jonathan Gannon are good coaches. Sirianni is missing them, imo.
