2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
As a Philly fan does the hurts contract make you nervous at this point or is he not the problem in your mind?
I'm a Hurts fan, so I'm not overly worried about that. I get the concern (I know you're not a Hurts fan), but when it seems like no player on either side of the ball is happy., then I'm much more worried about the coaching and play calling. I guess Hurts should just say screw it and call his own plays.
There is an odd dynamic between AJB and Hurts. AJB has made some stupid decisions late in games that almost cost the win a couple of times. He's also broken off routes, run the wrong route, and just given up on plays when he shouldn't have. This kind of came to a head in an argument with Hurts on the sideline a month or so ago where it seemed like DeVonta was siding with Hurts (or at least trying to explain the situation). To be clear, AJB is not the problem and WR divas are going to diva, but it seemed like that was the start of things.
Hurts was also playing injured for about a month and he actually played fine even while running.
Cox, Kelce, and Graham are maybe losing a step, but the team was prepared for this and already drafted their replacements.
There is just too much talent on the team for them to be playing like this.
Chubb has torn acl, not that Miami was going anywhere anyways but woulda been cool to see them at least beat kc in the first round
It's amazing that every big game Miami has everyone is injured
Chubb has torn acl, not that Miami was going anywhere anyways but woulda been cool to see them at least beat kc in the first round
That might be on the HC who kept his starters in late in the 4th down almost 40.
FWIW, while Miami might easily be able to beat KC in the playoffs, they're definitely one of the better potential playoff matchup for the Chiefs.
I appreciate the optimism of having Miami at 5, but that's too high despite being a playoff team.
Until they can beat the Bills next week, or win a playoff game against a team other than the Steelers or Colts. Then they don't deserve to be in the top 10, let alone in the top 5.
I think you're being too dramatic. There just isn't much that separates the Cowboys, Dolphins, Eagles, Lions or Chiefs. Of that group I trust the Chiefs the least, they just look lost with a second half Kelce decline and no other weapons than Pacheco. But they can still win any game.
The Rams and Browns are the enigmas. Can completely flop but haven't yet. Those two and the Bills being the three teams the Niners and Ravens hope get worn out with an extra playoff game.
Dolphins will be fine, they were missing two of their three best offensive weapons. Losing Chubb sucks but they just need to score points. Having them outside top ten would mean one of Jags or Texans fit in, which doesn't seem right. Timing should be nice for the Dolphins to play like underdogs though.
Agree with you on the Chiefs.
The Niners and ravens are so decidedly the best teams in their conferences I can safely assume the Super Bowl will be rams bills or something
Dunno, Jags-Falcons could really move the needle.
Yea to me it's obvious Sirianni (or whoever is running the offense) is the main issue for the Eagle's woes.
Hurts is probably too good to move on from.
Not sure how much credit he deserves for the tush push success but I'm guessing very little.
Criticizing one game is what everyone did.
People criticized him as a quarterback, as a player.
I would expect people who said those things to keep saying thing now. If they truly believed them then, they are still true now. So where are those haters?
as previously pointed out, you seemed to interpret last week's victory laps of "bork is not mvp material" as "bork is a garbage qb who should be benched"
truly believed the former then, it's still true now, and here i am saying brock purdy is not mvp material and his supporting cast makes him look much better than his raw stats suggest
Hurts is probably too good to move on from.
Not sure how much credit he deserves for the tush push success but I'm guessing very little.
I’ve seen the eagles try the tush push with their backup and it doesn’t work nearly as good but that play alone is not enough to make up for his other deficiencies, unless the eagles are able to replicate his godly top 1 OL top 3 receiving corp top 3 D supporting cast he had last year I don’t see them going anywhere anytime soon.
As much **** as I was talking last week. Mostly in jest in case it wasn't obvious.
I didn't bet on them against the Ravens.
I won't bet on them this week against the Bills.
But if they play they Chiefs. I will unload.
Oh and just in case it's not clear. My willingness to bet the house on Miami if they play the Chiefs is more a product of my lack of trust in the Chiefs.
I would bet the house on any current AFC playoff team against KC right now. With the exception of the Colts.
As much **** as I was talking last week. Mostly in jest in case it wasn't obvious.
I didn't bet on them against the Ravens.
I won't bet on them this week against the Bills.
But if they play they Chiefs. I will unload.
I just unloaded on the Bills. It will make the loss sting a bit less.
Not much though. I bet the Ravens for the same reason, still had the sads and would have preferred to pay that off.
But if I know something is going to happen, then I might as well cash in on it.
My plan if we beat the Bills is that I'm gonna martingale bets against the Phins until they go out. So I either win or I get a Superbowl. Can't lose.
I've done this several times over the years. I'm sadly way up on my bets against the Dolphins lifetime.
I already ran the Dolphins martingale system once this season. After the Titans loss, I bet Jets, Cowboys, Ravens.
If the Dolphins are the favorite I take the points, if the Dolphins are the underdog, I take the ML (for example I've got Bills money line next Sunday).
