2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
I'm not sure I could name 5 less hilarious people on earth than Aaron Rodgers.
Moneyline right now is Bills -162, Jags -205 and Cowboys -750.
In equity that's Bills 62%, Jags 67% and Cowboys 88%. That would result in roughly $6.4k.
Sure, I adjusted for my biases. My apologies if that wasn’t clear, but I thought “I’d say” indicated opinion.
Those lines look like classic traps for this spot.
Even so, more likely than not, one of those is losing.
Still think it’s a matter of how much $0 vs $4k vs $17k means to Ride.
I need Buf, Jax, and Dal wins this week to hit my division winner parlay. Already have Bal, KC, and Det locked up. Bet was $121 to win $17,500. Cashout offer is currently $4,013. Would you go for it or take the cash and run? It was worth just pennies in week 12 after Den beat Buf, but wow have things changed.
this is not a theoretical exercise
we have very specific numbers available where we can run all the various hedges available
BUF = implied win of 59% -144
JAX = implied win of 67% -201
DAL = implied win of 86% -632
a parlay using those implied odds would pay +194
thus parlaying 4013 into those 3 at +194 would yield 7,781 - which is a terrible payout considering you are on pace to win 17500
since we're dealing in the real world you'd get much worse than that as well as you'd be parlaying the worse numbers and thus get a worse rate
so accepting that is an obvious no, so much that if escrow could be arranged, you could sell the outcome of the wager to someone else here on 2p2 for a higher amount, perhaps even myself - but that's complicated and I don't have a transaction history with you so I'd want a mutual party escrowing that we both trusted
the other option is to hedge, which is a bit more complicated because the most likely failure point is Buffalo and they play a later game than the first two games
there's a number of ways to tackle this - if you spend an hour or so with excel i'm sure you'll find the optimal strategy to guarantee a profit of great than 4k
or just ride with it
Purdy named the Pro Bowl starting QB for the NFC.
This guy clearly showed he's trash in the Ravens game. He's a game manager INT machine. 20 (20!!!) of his teammates are either pro bowlers or alternates. Any half decent high school quarterback would put up numbers like him with that kind of help. Starting the pro bowl? This game just lost all credibility.
#PurdyBlows
FWIW, he was "voted" starter not "named". Tua is starting QB for the AFC.
The significantly more relevant honor for Purdy is going to be NFC First Team All Pro.
Tyreek has been a pro bowler for all of his 8 seasons (first one was special teams though IIRC). Trent Williams and Kelce also climbing on the all time chart.
Most watched Sunday Night Football game in 2023: The Mahomes vs. Zach Wilson showdown, Chiefs vs. Jets.
Followed by 49ers vs. Cowboys and Packers vs. Chiefs. Jets also featured in the last watched SNF of the year vs. the Raiders.
Get a vasectomy, disphit
Barnwell Article on Contender's Biggest ...
For those w/o ESPN+
9. Browns 0.5% / Turnovers
8. Rams 1% / Kicking
7. Eagles 1.9% / Pass D
6. Lions 2.2% / Beating pressure
5. Dolphins 3.8% / RZ D
4. Chiefs 4.2% / Catching passes
3. Cowboys 11.9% / Rush D
2. Ravens 28.9% / Fumbles
1. 49ers 34.9% / Interceptions
Not sure how they came up with those percentages. Seems like the gap between the Cowboys and everyone before them is too high, as is the gap between the 49ers and Ravens. He did mention he was only using teams that have already clinched which is why the Bills aren't on the list.
FWIW, he was "voted" starter not "named". Tua is starting QB for the AFC.
The significantly more relevant honor for Purdy is going to be NFC First Team All Pro.
Tyreek has been a pro bowler for all of his 8 seasons (first one was special teams though IIRC). Trent Williams and Kelce also climbing on the all time chart.
did the fans also vote Brock to the AFC?
what's tua got to do with it?
Dalvin cook to the ravens
I fail to see what value he offers other than being a hanger on to a contender
liberal use of repetition to emphasize a point
so what even is the genesis of the beef here? guessing that kimmel made some lame monologue jokes about fraudgers that nonetheless has him applying medical (horse) ointment to his anus daily because he is insanely thin-skinned and self-obsessed. is there more to it than that?
so what even is the genesis of the beef here? guessing that kimmel made some lame monologue jokes about fraudgers that nonetheless has him applying medical (horse) ointment to his anus daily because he is insanely thin-skinned and self-obsessed. is there more to it than that?
Pretty sure that's it. Kimmel started making fun of Rodgers at the same time everybody else did after the "immunized" incident. I guess he kept at it since then when Rodgers did more stupid stuff but I never heard of Rodgers responding to that. Until he out of nowhere claimed Kimmel was hoping his name wouldn't turn up on the Epstein files.
The line on the Bills moved to 2.5 which seems curious because everything I hear is love for Buffalo for 4 straight days and Dolphins decimated with injuries. Any thoughts on why that line moved?
so what even is the genesis of the beef here? guessing that kimmel made some lame monologue jokes about fraudgers that nonetheless has him applying medical (horse) ointment to his anus daily because he is insanely thin-skinned and self-obsessed. is there more to it than that?
I think it is pretty much that. Godgers listened to the science that said he’s young and in great shape and therefore shouldn’t be concerned about the virus so he treated it as a non-threat. Kimmel got pretty swept up in the Covid group think of anyone who doesn’t take all the vax should be attacked. In the end 0 out of the top 10k healthiest professional athletes were hurt/killed by Covid proving Godgers right and knowing him he likely spiked the football on people like Jimmy.
