2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
NFL awards
MVP: Lamar
OPOY: CMAC
DPOY: TJ Watt (Parsons in 2nd)
OROY: Stroud (would love a tie with Puka)
DROY: Jalen Carter? idk
Coach of Year: Browns coach?
I need Buf, Jax, and Dal wins this week to hit my division winner parlay. Already have Bal, KC, and Det locked up. Bet was $121 to win $17,500. Cashout offer is currently $4,013. Would you go for it or take the cash and run? It was worth just pennies in week 12 after Den beat Buf, but wow have things changed.
Oh so close.. Jax dropped final 5 games and it shouldn't have come down to week 18, but it is what it is. Had the same thing happen in 2021 when I picked 7 division winners. Got 6 of 7 and missed the AFC north when Bal dropped the final 6.
Oh so close.. Jax dropped final 5 games and it shouldn't have come down to week 18, but it is what it is. Had the same thing happen in 2021 when I picked 7 division winners. Got 6 of 7 and missed the AFC north when Bal dropped the final 6.
to be fair Buffalo also won their final 5 games, dont think you were ever favorites
Breaking News: Jets to release Aaron Rodgers
josh is now 16-0 in the last four weeks of the season over the past four years lol
NFL awards
MVP: Lamar
OPOY: CMAC
DPOY: TJ Watt (Parsons in 2nd)
OROY: Stroud (would love a tie with Puka)
DROY: Jalen Carter? idk
Coach of Year: Browns coach?
I think Ryans wins COY, gets credit for turning around texans who had 3 coaches in 3 years and were the worst team by far over the last 3 years
granted that is largely because they won the Stroud lottery, but doesnt matter
It’s truly wild that after all this if Carolina drafted levis they’d be better off than they are now
Bryce is terribad
Man, even if they win 6 games with Stroud, Reich is definitely safe. And then they win 9 games next year and he's still safe. Damn.
Total Sliding Doors moment for him. If it really broke right, he could've ended up GOAT Carolina coach and maybe HOF with a couple SBs.
Now: done.
2023 SRM: maybe I was too hard on the bills. Honestly I can’t even remember why I’m supposed to hate them
2024 SRM: oh that’s why
How much Tua nut hugging would it take for you to hate Ruxin?
Not sure there’s any scenario short of literal crimes that could make me hate Ruxin
That man is my everything
Barnwell's awards winners
CotY
3. Ryans
2. McVay
1. Stefanski
Defensive RotY
3. Carter
2. Kobie Turner
1. Anderson, Jr.
Offensive RotY
3. LaPorta
2. Nacua
1. Stroud
Defensive PotY
3. Garrett
2. Parsons
1. Watt
Offensive PotY
3. CMC
2. Lamb
1. Hill
MVP
3. DAK ATTACK
2. Purdy good
1. Jackson
McVay over Ryans is legitimate clownery
I don’t care enough about opoy to argue Reek but lamb over cmc is legit disqualifying
The Rodgers quote about ‘bullshit’ is truly remarkable and increases the chances that it is just one giant troll from him.
Otherwise, such a lack of self awareness is almost unprecedented outside of the 45th US President
The Rodgers quote about ‘bullshit’ is truly remarkable and increases the chances that it is just one giant troll from him.
Otherwise, such a lack of self awareness is almost unprecedented outside of the 45th US President
I would bet my life against the idea that throw Rogan is trolling
Guy seems to have a god complex and isn’t used to being told he’s a god damn buffoon
McVay over Ryans is legitimate clownery
I don’t care enough about opoy to argue Reek but lamb over cmc is legit disqualifying
Agree with one of these takes.
Ryans has done an incredible job and has to win the award. McVay and Stefanski have done good coaching jobs too, but to take this team from the worst in the NFL to division winners is incredible. They had a great draft but hardly even signed any FAs either, unless you count old guys who’d been released like Bobby Trees and Sheldon Rankins.
They only had one player who counted more than $10m on their cap
CMC would probably be my pick for OPY but I think Hill is just as worthy
Oh there’s absolutely nothing wrong with thinking hill is opoy, I don’t care enough to agree or disagree cuz I think you’re splitting hairs
The idea that you’re putting lamb over cmc though makes you an imbecile who has zero idea what you’re watching
As more and more years pass I start to think less of Barnwell.
Bill Barnwell grew up in New York but idolized Tom Brady. He reminds me of the stereotypical football stat nerd who idolized whoever the best player at the time was.
