2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
KC went from Steelers home and >50% chance of hou/cle home in rd 2 and guaranteed to avoid balt/buf until AFC CG to Mia home and @ buf in rd 2, pretty huge swing there.
NFL POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 1
ELIte
1. Eagles (1-0)
2. Niners (1-0)
Solid teams (eventually, playoff bound...?)
3. Chiefs (0-1)
4. Bills (0-1)
5. Bengals (0-1)
6. Cowboys (1-0)
7. Lions (1-0)
8. Jaguars (1-0)
9. Dolphins (1-0)
10. Ravens (1-0)
11. Chargers (0-1)
12. Jets (1-0)
Chiefs win that game if Kelce plays or Toney doesn't have the worst drops ever. Tough losses for Bills & Chargers. Bengals will be fine, too much talent not to be. Lions & Jags fei
not too much changed from week 1. some teams dropped due to qb injuries, otherwise pretty accurate, few major surprises. biggest miss i guess was the 32nd ranked texans making the playoffs, but who could expected the stroud ascendancy? rams another one that were off, raiders and pats too high, etc. and hopefully ppl finally learn to never believe in the chargers.
anyway nice work all year, gbebe 👍
Am I crazy or is the value with almost every dog this week?
KC went from Steelers home and >50% chance of hou/cle home in rd 2 and guaranteed to avoid balt/buf until AFC CG to Mia home and @ buf in rd 2, pretty huge swing there.
At least they won't have to worry much about the latter part.
Kidding! I think that could be a pretty decent game. Too bad it's on a service I'm not going to sign up for.
Yes, thanks for the work. Always enjoy reading the weekly thoughts.
That’d be pretty funny if you replaced the most notorious professional sign stealer with the college version
predicting connor stalions next oc patriot
scott norwood beat out todd schlopy for bills starting placekicker
true fact
look it up to see why'm right
Doesn't the season end with the Superbowl?
I feel like the Bills are traditionally 0-1 in the last week of their season.
a school of piranha in the deep end wading to attack dominic
while he picks cherries from shoreline trees
please be sure to clip the achilles tendon with your teeth
I think KC has a get right spot against Miami basically off a bye, their D is decimated and Bills really should've been able to hang 30+ easy last night
could even see kelce having some juice with some time off, don't really see waddle being close to 100% either
rams +3.5 my main bet though, could see them winning outright with coach/QB edge, could see lions playing a little tight with the pressure on them now as well. No longer the lovable underdogs.
[highlight]The above statement is highly inaccurate.[/highlight]
The Bills have finished the regular season numerous times with a win and not made the playoffs.
Case in point: The 2018 season, the most recent year the Buffalo Bills ended the season with a win, and out of the playoffs.
From Wikipedia: "Rookie Josh Allen rebounded in the rematch against the Dolphins in Week 17. Despite throwing his first career pick-six, he scored five total touchdowns, three passing and two rushing, along with 224 passing yards and 95 rushing yards as the Bills routed the Dolphins 42–17."
Damn. You’re right, my bad. Comedy is hard, I should leave it to others much better at it than me!
Exactly
Oh ****ing shut up
Josh Allen ranks among all QBs in their first 6 seasons
- 5th in attempts
- T-4th in pass TDs
- 61st in INT
- 3rd in rushing yds
- 1st in rushing TDs
He is tied with Peyton Manning with 167 pass TDs in that span. Manning had 110 INTs, Allen has 78. No one has more total TDs
Man I had completely forgotten how much it sucks having Harbaugh Coach your team to a ceiling of slightly beating your opponent til tonight
Good luck whoever pays him
