2023 NFL Regular Season

2023 NFL Regular Season

As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage

The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.

I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…

2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work

Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb

And the last pick of the draft went 10-0

And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl

And he broke his elbow

And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion

And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb

After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you

With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season

Your contenders:

1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600

Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram

**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you

2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800

Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl

3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000

I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life

4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100

You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.

Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too

5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500

Give me a second here….

I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.

And the fans of this franchise?

Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating

6-32. Who gives a living ****

**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him

**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing

**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post

**** all of you. Let us football

19 August 2023 at 07:02 PM
Reply...

1454 Replies

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by suzzer99 P

KC also got complete 2nd round duds with Skyy Moore and Mecole Hardman.

Veech has generally drafted excellently. So either he has a blind spot with WRs or they're a major crapshoot (like all the draft, but maybe even moreso with WRs).

Wiki updaters out there letting the world know.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mecole_Har...

Kansas City Chiefs (second stint)
On October 18, 2023, Hardman and a seventh-round selection in the 2025 NFL Draft were traded to the Chiefs in exchange for a sixth-round selection in 2025.[34]

On January 21, 2024, Hardman turns in one of his trademark performances in Buffalo with 1 carry for negative 1 yards, 1 catch for 2 yards, and two fumbles (yes, both times he touched the ball he put it on the ground), one of which was out of the back of the endzone leading to an untimely turnover that thankfully did not cost his team a victory in the divisional round playoff game.


by rickroll P

you guys don't think a team with no hopes at contending and the salary cap to make it fit wouldn't take a future hof in von miller with a bunch of picks attached?

Cap space rolls over, so no


by Nitchka'sDad P

I would bet a very large sum of $ that more than half of the people who find Hawaiian pizza "disgusting" have never actually tried it.

I have and just send that crap back to Canada where it came from.


by Hellmuth was right P

looks like the pizza that someone who thought the dolphins were the best team in the AFC would eat

lolol


I tried pineapple and ham pizza once when my friend ordered a medium pie in a group hangout from dominoes (yes i have real life friends, dont be so shocked)

Putrid stuff

Shouldnt even qualify as “pizza”


by rickroll P

did not know that, perhaps they can resign him on the cheap?


The point about WR being the Bills #1 priority is moot if Gabe Davis signs a new contract there. Right now that seems unlikely though given the Bills cap space and him probably looking for something in the $15/mil range.


Seems like 5 got lost somewhere.


Welp


by newguyhere P

Reek 5th
Amon 4th
Keenan 3rd

Diggs 5th


by suzzer99 P

Seems like 5 got lost somewhere.

4 and 5 were in the same bullet as both came against the Broncos, apparently.


by All-inMcLovin P

49ers are gonna choke, the Super Bowl ticket is the Lions!

I agree

But not strong enough to bet on it


by madlex P

The point about WR being the Bills #1 priority is moot if Gabe Davis signs a new contract there. Right now that seems unlikely though given the Bills cap space and him probably looking for something in the $15/mil range.

a team would be committing front office Hara-kiri paying Davis that type of money. he's a chump as a WR

#114 this season and #168 last season in the Receiving Tracking Metric


by All-inMcLovin P

I tried pineapple and ham pizza once when my friend ordered a medium pie in a group hangout from dominoes (yes i have real life friends, dont be so shocked)

Putrid stuff

Shouldnt even qualify as “pizza”

respectfully disagree

although not my fave, i do seek out a slice of Hawaiian pizza now and again


Ham is bleh, gotta be Canadian Bacon


by ligastar P

a team would be committing front office Hara-kiri paying Davis that type of money. he's a chump as a WR

#114 this season and #168 last season in the Receiving Tracking Metric

yep, agree.

3rd tier receivers seem to go for more money than you'd imagine they would, but I'd think he's be a 3/20/12 type guy


by All-inMcLovin P

I tried pineapple and ham pizza once when my friend ordered a medium pie in a group hangout from dominoes (yes i have real life friends, dont be so shocked)

Putrid stuff

Shouldnt even qualify as “pizza”

dominos is like the last place you should ever order a hawaiian pizza at, the pineapples and the grease dont really go well together


Ordering any pizza from any of the big chains is the nut low.

Don't get me wrong, I've done it before, but I try to avoid if I can.


The Papa John’s stuffed crust is nice.

Mellow Mushroom has a good Hawaiian.


There’s a pretty good chicago style place next to me I order from when I’m super ****ing high

Also chicago style rules. Don’t @ me New York style nerds. You probably **** under the sheets with the lights off too

Detroit style also underrated as ****


by newguyhere P

Ordering any pizza from any of the big chains is the nut low.

Don't get me wrong, I've done it before, but I try to avoid if I can.

Pizza Hut is a guilty pleasure of mine. F'in delicious. All Pizza Huts in WNY closed a couple years ago but I think a few are popping back up.


CIN OC Brian Callahan to TEN it seems

new OC is prob in-house, QBs coach Dan Pitcher


Callahan going to be missed? I don’t know a ton about him. I’m always weary of OC’s who don’t play call moving to HC.


by StoppedRainingMen P

There’s a pretty good chicago style place next to me I order from when I’m super ****ing high

Also chicago style rules. Don’t @ me New York style nerds. You probably **** under the sheets with the lights off too

Detroit style also underrated as ****


buddy likes his crust thick and crunchy


by tarheels2222 P

Callahan going to be missed? I don’t know a ton about him. I’m always weary of OC’s who don’t play call moving to HC.

CIN has had unreal continuity, as this will be Zac's first coordinator hire since taking the gig in 2019

Callahan will be missed as he has a good relationship w JOE and is liked in the building. that said, if Pitcher is retained/promoted, the train should still be able to cruise down the tracks


and for all you pineapple hating ****ers out there
i will give anything an honest attempt unless i somehow find myself allergic

Spoiler
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just kidding, carry on


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