2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
First look at the top free agents for the offseason.
There’s gonna be some huge D line contracts given out - Josh Allen, Brian Burns, Danielle Hunter, Christian Wilkins, Chris Jones, Justin Madubike
Mason Rudolf is interesting. Talk about guy you don't wana pay but have to... Pitt is in a real bad spot, he did play pretty good but... haha
nono, not on the level of danny dimes pay mistake. but still funny
I like russel wilson this offseason. As insane as he got, own office superstar... he got humbled, he is gonna be cheap if he still wants to play. And he played better than half the league. Instant upgrade to dozen+ teams
Mason Rudolf is interesting. Talk about guy you don't wana pay but have to... Pitt is in a real bad spot, he did play pretty good but... haha
nono, not on the level of danny dimes pay mistake. but still funny
I would think he might get a 1yr 4-5m deal. Maybe 2-8/5 or something?
Maybe not from Pitt tbh
It’ll be interesting to see what they do at QB. Pickett really doesn’t look like the answer but I reckon they give him another season? Idk
nah, probably be joining you soon but waiting to see how it plays out
Proper way to hedge a ten dollar bet is..
Spoiler
Scrap Metal. Copper if you can find it. gl gl
all about crispy white tees
them and socks are one time use like toilet paper
Willie Gay Jr. is an energy giver.
SRM is totally the Rafi of SE.
I see it
omg lololololololol
Ruxin: Could you just hurry up? I need to use the bathroom.
Rafi: Here just pee in between my legs!
Ruxin: No, I need to poop.
Rafi: Alright sit on my lap! It'll be just like we did in college!
Ruxin: Rafi you didn't go to college.
Rafi: A LOT OF PEOPLE DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW IT IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME!
I like russel wilson this offseason. As insane as he got, own office superstar... he got humbled, he is gonna be cheap if he still wants to play. And he played better than half the league. Instant upgrade to dozen+ teams
Agree with this. Russ was not the Broncos issue this season.
The problem is that there's not too many teams with a QB need that
A. Aren't in a position to draft a potential stud
B. Actually have great offensive weapons
The Purdy hate is now haters explaining in passionate terms how Purdy isn't quite as good as various Top 5-10 QB's.
21 months ago he was the last pick in the draft. And 'he's a little worse than Kirk Cousins' is the best they can come up with.
Brock has beaten the game. He can retire now and go laugh at the haters for the rest of his life on some Iowa farm.
Syndicate placed a wager on……
Drumroll….
49ers ML (-133 at time of wager)
McDonald to the seapoops.
Seems like a really good hire
Vrabel to Washington then?
McDonald to the seapoops.
Seems like a really good hire
Vrabel to Washington then?
After all the quick hires took place, I was beginning to get a smidgen of hope that Macdonald might actually stay put. Or even that behind the scenes they wanted to anoint him as successor to Harbaugh, but I get the feeling when Lamar falls off (in the regular season, not just the playoffs, ha ha ha ha.....) will be when Harbs packs it in.
Ravens suddenly need a LOT of coaching personnel. Team likely will look pretty different, some very difficult cap decisions to make this offseason.
The Odds of Taylor dating a football player and said player making the SB is so slim. Do you think she looked at futures before picking who to date? Like the odds are just unreal that Chiefs made it. Her PR team is goated.
Not choosing big cock Brock seems like a mistake.
seems like it's all on shanny to read the big game ability of brock and put him in situations to succeed
