2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Feel like the bears actually being this vocal about it kinda tips their hand that they’d prefer to keep fields and trade the pick
Granted, as someone who thinks Caleb ain’t ****, trading down from 1 to 2 and driving up the price, drafting maye or daniels and dealing fields seems like a no brainer to me
epic Andy Reid time management there.
In the dark days before he had the best player to ever play the game, those things used to cost his teams games and we all lol’d at him itt.
epic Andy Reid time management there.
In the dark days before he had the best player to ever play the game, those things used to cost his teams games and we all lol’d at him itt.
I assume this is about the no TO call before the last play of the game? I was hoping someone could explain the logic of not calling TO to me.
In OT? The new playoff overtime rules means they get the full possession, the time would expire but it would just be another quarter of OT
In OT? The new playoff overtime rules means they get the full possession, the time would expire but it would just be another quarter of OT
they had two time outs and 3 possible plays with 25 secs ish to go. So effectively 2 TD attempts to win and then a FG to tie.
they lost 15ish secs which halved the number of TD attempts.
Aah end of regulation, yeah seemed not great
And time stands us still. 
Spoiler
oh the big picture!
Wonder what Mahomes will be like without Reid and Kelce if they retire
Feel like the bears actually being this vocal about it kinda tips their hand that they’d prefer to keep fields and trade the pick
Granted, as someone who thinks Caleb ain’t ****, trading down from 1 to 2 and driving up the price, drafting maye or daniels and dealing fields seems like a no brainer to me
Solely for the rookie deal the new QB gets this makes sense.
And a square to go with it
Kc 5 sf 2
Nice.
way to ****ing GO!
No, end of overtime? Or do they play beyond the 15 mins? Surely the end of 15 mins of OT is the end? They don’t go to a second quarter if the team hasn’t finished it’s first possession
It's kinda confusing but the 15min clock signals the end of the first overtime "quarter" not the end of the game. The game doesn't end before each team finishes its first possession unless there's a defensive score.
The first time I heard them mentioned that on the CBS broadcast was right before the 1st&goal for KC. I'm pretty sure it wasn't on the list of overtime rules they showed at the beginning of OT.
The afc is stacked next year and the nfc sucks
Plus the chargers and broncos could/should be better making it a bit harder for the chefs
I expect some fun Chargers Chefs games.
No, end of overtime? Or do they play beyond the 15 mins? Surely the end of 15 mins of OT is the end? They don’t go to a second quarter if the team hasn’t finished it’s first possession
Yeah, that's why the referee said "we're starting a new game" right before the OT coin flip. If no scoring/tied after two quarters, they have a halftime and second half.
Unsure if they make Usher come back out.
I was kinda bummed the Kelce catch on the next to last play didn't take a couple more seconds, because KC would probably then have let the quarter expire, and we could at least say we had our first 2OT Super Bowl ever.
I was kinda bummed the Kelce catch on the next to last play didn't take a couple more seconds, because KC would probably then have let the quarter expire, and we could at least say we had our first 2OT Super Bowl ever.
Mahomes actually addressed that and said they wanted to get that play in before switching sides.
Niners post mortem:
They’re still the best team in the nfc, so they’ll have another swing next year. What cuts deep is in prior years I could say ‘well they just need an X and they’ll be fine.’ There’s really nowhere left for them to improve and they couldn’t beat the weakest chefs team in the mahomes era. And the ravens crushed them
If not now there may not be an ever under Kyle with this core since they have nowhere to go from here but regression.
Off the top of my head Armstead is gone. 50/50 Deebo is gone too. This will still be the best team in the nfc despite that but that window slams absolutely shut after next year
