2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
Gordo Miguel coming back is all the proof you need that Jerry values having a beta at the head of the table
I heard a Cowboys fan say on a pod the other day that he thinks Jerry likes having someone as a fall guy with the fans, so keeps bad/mediocre coaches on for longer than he should
Makes some kind of sense if being seen to try to win is more important than actually trying to win
Same pod raised that there is no other team in the major 4 US sports over the past 30 years which has been a top 10 regular season team by results/record but hasn't at least reached the Championship game.
And only 3 other of those teams haven't actually won the whole thing
Kraft: I'm gonna hire a guy with 0 experience to be my next head coach. Let's see someone make a worse decision.
Jerry: Hold my beer.
Same pod raised that there is no other team in the major 4 US sports over the past 30 years which has been a top 10 regular season team by results/record but hasn't at least reached the Championship game.
What's really impressive is that twice in that span, they were the #1 seed, meaning a bye and needing to win only a single home game against no better than the #4 to reach the NFCCG, and they **** the bed both times.
Dallas had a very good year, 2nd best team in the NFC
hard to top that for a 1st year head coach...GIving McCarthy another year makes sense, Dak just had his best year ever...So you bring in Vrabel, then go 10-7 and lose rd 1? Then what? Not like this team has the floor of a Allen/Mahomes. It could get a lot worse with a new HC with a 1st place schedule
I'm not even really pro-keeping him, but I acknowledge the complexity of that situation and why you would give him another year
Jerruh nevuh disappoints.
Could you give us some cliffs about your coaching career?
You dont have to name any team, but an overview would be interesting.
2004-2006: d2 football player
2007-2008: undergraduate assistant
2009: freshman football coach
2010: GA Coastal Carolina
2011-2012: HS football (teacher)
2013: Defensive QC intern UCF
2014-2016: HS football coach(teacher)
2017-2019: HS teacher/analyst coastal
2020-2024: Athletic Department Data Analyst at an AAC school
I've done consulting work now for draft prep going into my 3rd year now. I'm loaned out by the university for the spring semester.
Thank you Jerruh!
You have no idea how much it means to me to keep the Cowboys irrelevant.
2004-2006: d2 football player
2007-2008: undergraduate assistant
2009: freshman football coach
2010: GA Coastal Carolina
2011-2012: HS football (teacher)
2013: Defensive QC intern UCF
2014-2016: HS football coach(teacher)
2017-2019: HS teacher/analyst coastal
2020-2024: Athletic Department Data Analyst at an AAC school
I've done consulting work now for draft prep going into my 3rd year now. I'm loaned out by the university for the spring semester.
Needle! An OG GOAT if there ever was one!
2004-2006: d2 football player
2007-2008: undergraduate assistant
2009: freshman football coach
2010: GA Coastal Carolina
2011-2012: HS football (teacher)
2013: Defensive QC intern UCF
2014-2016: HS football coach(teacher)
2017-2019: HS teacher/analyst coastal
2020-2024: Athletic Department Data Analyst at an AAC school
I've done consulting work now for draft prep going into my 3rd year now. I'm loaned out by the university for the spring semester.
can you give an example of the type of tasks/projects you're given when you go in for draft prep? is it eg....position focused, or is it school/region/conference focused or some kind of data/analytics across an entire class?
if you did a well on draft prep that'd be fire
Needle, what do you mean by "in the building". I guess I got the idea you meant on the Eagles staff. I guess I'm confused by those last 4 years. ****ing 2024, damn.
2004-2006: d2 football player
2007-2008: undergraduate assistant
2009: freshman football coach
2010: GA Coastal Carolina
2011-2012: HS football (teacher)
2013: Defensive QC intern UCF
2014-2016: HS football coach(teacher)
2017-2019: HS teacher/analyst coastal
2020-2024: Athletic Department Data Analyst at an AAC school
I've done consulting work now for draft prep going into my 3rd year now. I'm loaned out by the university for the spring semester.
Big THX for answering
You're a true SE hero.
That's a terrific example of an anonymous, brief, and vague but revealing resume'. Seriously.
Thanks for posting it.
I think Siriani has surived cause Roseman is starting to smell. Jeffry Lorri smelt it, can't figure out who dealt it.
Terrible Qb contract. Defense wrecked in one year....
Roseman needs Siriani like no other.
I think Sirianni survived because he has a regular season record of 34-17 and has made the playoffs all 3 seasons, including a SB appearance.
He definitely needs to find better coordinators, though.
I suspect fatty and dumbass survived cuz there isn’t an obvious replacement that makes the teams any better, and you need to know 100% you’re improving to pull the trigger on it in their spots
Harbaugh is going to the chargers or the raiders
BB doesn’t fit at all with either franchise
You can’t afford to wait for Ben Johnson and I’m sure the 15 mil price tag is a lot to stomach
What’s left? Vrabel? Bienemy?
Antonio Pierce has already been told he is the Raiders HC. They just can't announce it because they have to interview two minority candidates and they have to wait until after the divisional rounds.
Yes, I know that makes no sense since AP is a minority hire but this is the NFL and Rog is in charge.
I doubt Bienemy is getting any offers this year even though the season played out pretty well for him. Unfortunately for him, most people seem to think "holy cow, Nagy sucks as an OC" instead of "Bienemy left KC and the offense collapsed".
I agree there's no obvious replacement for Siriani but he's probably on thin ice. His douchy behavior certainly didn't help with public opinion. I wouldn't want that guy as HC of a team I root for.
It's not like they can't tell him sorry bro if Harbaugh tells them he's interested in the job. I believe he's going to LA though.
Antonio Pierce has already been told he is the Raiders HC. They just can't announce it because they have to interview two minority candidates and they have to wait until after the divisional rounds.
Yes, I know that makes no sense since AP is a minority hire but this is the NFL and Rog is in charge.
I thought the rules regarding these were:
-If you hire a minority coach you aren't required to interview anyone else.
-If you hire a non-minority you have to interview 2 minority candidates for the position. This now includeds GMs, front office positions and QB coaches.
-If another team hires away one of your coaches who is a minority you get rewarded with a 3rd round compensatory draft picks in each of the next 2 years.
-If you hire a minority head coach from another team that team gets a free draft pick in the next two years.
The pro moves are to:
1. Only hire minority coordinators, because teams will be slightly more hesitant to hire him away from you since they don't want to give you two 3rd rounders and if they do you get compensated for it.
2. Don't hire a minority head coach that is currently with another team if you can find similar talent on your own team or a non-minority on another team to prevent giving another team two 3rd rounders.
3. If you hear about a minority coach likely getting looked at for a head coaching position you hire him before he signs that deal on a 10 day contract for $1M contingent on him getting hired as a head coach on another team. This is essentially paying $1m for two 3rd round picks which is insane value - especially since it doesn't count on the salary cap.
I read somewhere that they actually still have to interview 2 minorities if they hire Pierce (no idea if he counts as one or they need two additional). It's ridiculous and honestly insulting and completely spits in the face of what the Rooney Rule is trying to accomplish assuming this is actually the case.
If someone wants to hire Harbaugh, I'd prefer they don't interview anyone else either. Having these token interviews is not why the Rooney Rule exists.
can you give an example of the type of tasks/projects you're given when you go in for draft prep? is it eg....position focused, or is it school/region/conference focused or some kind of data/analytics across an entire class?
How about this,
The biggest struggle I find right now is grading out offensive linemen and linebackers. Schematically it is becoming more difficult to narrow down assignments. Assignment football is not a huge indicator of NFL success, but still something that has merit and goes into the complete evaluation. Years ago assignment football was a lot of how I looked at college players and the youtubes I put up are hilariously bad(well maybe not that bad but it is fun for me to go back and watch some).
My main focus is coverage. So a lot of DB play and some LB. Though I do some evaluation on 0/1/2i techniques as well. And coverages can be annoyingly complex. Colleges are trying too hard sometimes.
