2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
I doubt anyone who has multiple options like Ben Johnson will pick the Panthers unless they pay an absurd amount of money. If the #1 upside of your job opening is "weak division" you're in trouble.
If everything plays out as it should Johnson’s options are the titans and the panthers
Titans probably not a terrible option if you believe in miracle whip. Panthers….big yikes
I dunno as a Jets fan, I see the Bills making huge gains from mid season on. Allen is playing great, he is in his prime, o-line and run game very good. Their defense sucks and so do their receivers. But I think it's a good team. Firing head coach, drafting a legit number 1 receiver and improving defense, there you go. They are still in it. Can't see them firing head coach since they had a good year... but it would go a long way. It'
Reid called the worst play of the game.
Sweep on 1st and goal from short with a little used, flaky player when you’re getting 6 yards a rush is beyond ******ed
It makes you wonder what his stats look like when he didn't have two of the top 10 pass catchers in the league? I don't know how many of those games kelce and tyreek played in, but throwing up average MVP numbers when those two are both playing is not the brag you think it is.
The hope in KC is that he's going to be a #2 who can play outside or in the slot. Getting a #1 WR is one of the biggest offseason priorities for the Chiefs.
After they break up the best WR/TE duo in the history of the world they replace that WR with 6 pass catchers, they add pass catchers every year and every year we still hear about how mahomes just doesn't have enough weapons.
By the way, the two QBs we are told are the best in the league just played each other and combined for 400 pass yards.
If everything plays out as it should Johnson’s options are the titans and the panthers
Titans probably not a terrible option if you believe in miracle whip. Panthers….big yikes
Counterpoint, (IMO at least) Titans got rid of a very good coach who overachieved. At least if you go into Panthers you’re following a succession of failed coaches
trying to square "mahomes is only a product of kelce & tyreek" with "bork is legit" .....
anyway, while i work on that, anyone got some #mmjawshfax? got a fever and thats the only prescription
Reid called the worst play of the game.
Sweep on 1st and goal from short with a little used, flaky player when you’re getting 6 yards a rush is beyond ******ed
the Bills playcalling on the last drive was infinitely worse. there was no reason to be taking end zone shots from the 30 when there was still over a minute left in the game and Mahomes is on the other sideline.
If everything plays out as it should Johnson’s options are the titans and the panthers
Titans probably not a terrible option if you believe in miracle whip. Panthers….big yikes
My money is on the Commanders. But I think he could end up with the Falcons or Seahawks too. Do not think we land Ben, especially after he denied us last year.
LAC - Harbaugh?
Titans - ?
Commanders - ?
Falcons - ? Reports last week made it seem like Belichick was in the lead, but I'm not sure I buy it.
Seahawks - ?
Panthers - ? My preference is Canales and hope he can save Bryce. But we've interviewed a **** ton of people, so there is really no telling.
There are quite a lot of good candidates this cycle, imo.
No sure if the Bills will keep McDermott, but I lean them giving him one more season that is basically Super Bowl or bust. He's a good coach, but the Bills might just need a change.
at the end of the day, the tea leaves are pointing to CIN franchising Tee for 2024 and keeping him in an orange & black uniform
Estimated tag figures are $21.5m and $19.3m for the transition
Idk I thought they had a chance to do a Dionate Johnson type contract last offseason. Johnson got 2-36 at the end of this third year which basically means the Steelers had him for like 3-38 plus the ability to franchise him
Maybe Higgins wouldn’t have taken that but it would have been pretty good way for him to lock up his security a year early while still becoming an unrestricted FA in his 20s and the Bengals could have guaranteed keeping him with the other two before the Burrow/Chase cap hits become too difficult
the Bills playcalling on the last drive was infinitely worse. there was no reason to be taking end zone shots from the 30 when there was still over a minute left in the game and Mahomes is on the other sideline.
I was just pointing out that Andy did not in any way pitch some kind of perfect game
Josh had his TE open for at least a 6 yard gain on that last 3rd and 9 but chose to throw the miracle ball instead. If Kincaid gets 6/7 they probably go for it or at least have a way easier kick and maybe he gets the 1st down there
Puka in the 5th. Kupp in the 3rd.
i wouldn't worry about the offense too much, afterall, they still got jawsh
gabe davis is still quite promising imo and he got held back by injury this year and it usually takes a few seasons for wrs to figure out nfl defenses after playing on easy mode in college
kincaid was a bit underwhelming compared to the hype but was still quite good and should be even better next year
shakir noticeably improved as the season went along and should only get better the next year - idk if he's a top 2 receiver or not but he's going to make a very good wr3 as a floor imo
james cook should be decent - he definitely got better as the year went along
i think diggs, even if he still plays at a decent level next year, is just never going to live up to that contract anymore
real question is who they can cut to get under the cap for next and how much that'll hurt their lines and defense
i would strongly consider shopping von miller and diggs this offseason with a bunch of picks as sweeteners and then bank on the team being able to attract some reduced cost veterans who are seeking rings in order to fill out the roster - no point in drafting people and waiting for them to develop at this point so those picks aren't worth much to them anyway
they do hold the ultimate option in trading jawsh for a huge pile of picks and young assets so they do have the luxury in having an eject button whereas teams like denver, ne, nyj, etc do not and are stuck with what they have for some time
Gabe Davis also a free agent.
I reckon you have to double down on one more year with Diggs. He’s a very very good receiver and they need him. Extremely hard to replace him for next year
Can’t imagine anyone taking Miller. That contract was brutal at the time but looks horrific now
Extending Jawsh can create a lot of space and I reckon they’ll do that
The Eagles are interviewing Ron Rivera and Mike Caldwell? I've got to admit that Sirianni has a good strategy for saving his job by trying to hire people that Lurie likes.
real question is who they can cut to get under the cap for next and how much that'll hurt their lines and defense
My guess:
Miller gets designated as a post-June 1 cut
Jawsh's base salary gets converted to a bonus spread out over the remaining contract.
If they're rolling with Diggs, they probably have to convert his salary to bonus also. If they're not rolling with Diggs, he is made a post-June 1 cut also
Rasul Douglas gets cut
you guys don't think a team with no hopes at contending and the salary cap to make it fit wouldn't take a future hof in von miller with a bunch of picks attached?
i also really don't think diggs will be better than a wr2 next year
KC also got complete 2nd round duds with Skyy Moore and Mecole Hardman.
Veech has generally drafted excellently. So either he has a blind spot with WRs or they're a major crapshoot (like all the draft, but maybe even moreso with WRs).
