2023 NFL Regular Season
As a niners fan I have spent this entire offseason in a silent rage
The last 20 years of being a niners fan has been an agony unlike any any franchise has ever come across. You can sit there and bemoan being a browns fan or a lions fan or blah blah blah **** you. The reality is in this period of time has blueballed no fanbase more than us *******s.
I sat through Mike Nolan. I sat through Smith over Rodgers. I sat through Mike ****ing god damned cockbreath Singletary. And then…
2011: Kyle Williams single handedly loses the NFCCG by botching returns not once but ****ing twice against the shittiest super bowl champion history has ever seen
2012: Turtle****er has no concept for the play clock and somehow someway I have to sit there and watch Joe Flacco become a super bowl champion
2013: Richard Sherman goes full WWE promo because he tips away a potential game winner in the NFCCG
2014-2017: because of the shittiest GM who has ever breathed air (needle can attest), I end up with 3 years of watching Chip Kelly and something called a Jim Tomsula coach this team into nothingness
2018: thinking he is so ****ing smart that he can trade for someone and flip him later, Lynch trades a 2nd for Jimmy mother****ing Womp
2019: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl? Watch me work
2020: lol
2021: 10 point lead in the 4th quarter of the NFCCG? Watch me work
Which brings us to last year. Somehow, despite everything that happened for TWENTY ****ING YEARS this cut deepest. This wasn’t even fair. I thought I was done with Jimmy. I wasn’t. The guy we traded 3 1sts for went down for the year and we ended up with him long enough for him to be such a fiasco he lost to Denver by Orlovskying before going down for the year and letting the last pick of the draft be the qb
And the last pick of the draft went 10-0
And the last pick of the draft had a shot at taking the niners to the ****ing super bowl
And he broke his elbow
And by halftime the only other qb on the roster had a concussion
And in something unlike anything I have ever seen in my ENTIRE ****ING LIFE a conference title game was being played without a qb
After thinking about this for a few months preparing myself for this season I have decided one thing and one thing only: **** each and every last one of you
With that in mind, welcome to the 2023 NFL Season
Your contenders:
1. Kansas City Chiefs: +600
Get ****ed. **** your Kermit ass QB, **** your morbidly obese coach who can’t keep his own children alive, **** your Kermit ass QB’s brother who sounds like a sexual predator, **** your Kermit ass QB’s wife who sounds like she cucks Kermit on the regular while posting thirst traps for the gram
**** your fanbase. **** your chop that you still do in the year of our lord 2023 for reasons I will never understand. **** your city, **** your state(s). I don’t give a **** if you claim the Chiefs from Kansas or Missouri, you’re a sack of ****. I had to watch you win a super bowl because your woman beating speedster broke open on Richard Sherman who is a man I want to see choke on his own delusion until the final ounce of life leaves his body. I hate you. I will always hate you
2. Philadelphia Eagles: +800
Get your ****ing ass out of here. Josh Johnson was drawing live to beat you until he got a concussion. JOSH JOHNSON! That buffoon has played for 47 football teams in 4 years. Neat little story. **** you anyway. Always Sunny has no redeeming characters cuz everyone in Philly is a malcontent POS. You have a jail in your stadiums. Trea Turner needed to buy billboard advertising to beg you to stop sending his family death threats. The only solace I have in the 9ers losing the NFCCG is you didn’t win the Super Bowl
3. San Francisco 49ers: +1000
I ****ing hate 9er fans with a fire that burns from 20000 suns. Your average 9er fan? Calling into SPORTS TALK RADIO to say Lynch should be lynched and Kyle should be fired because blah blah blah 3 1st round picks for lance blah blah blah Jimmy was the guy who coulda won the super bowl blah blah blah. I’m stuck sitting here rooting for a team whose best player is a Proud Boy. Our QB is from Iowa by way of Arizona so I already know before he opens his mouth he’s right there with Bosa. I visited Levis last year to watch the Rams game and somehow ended up in some insane wind tunnel directly underneath the pathway for where planes land in San Jose international 5 miles away. I was also watching a game in the parking lot of an amusement park for $400/ticket + $60 for a beer and chicken tenders. **** my ****ing life
4. Cincinnati Bengals: +1100
You dipshits give Paul Brown your hard earned money of which you have none. ****ing simps. Skyline chili is the stupidest **** I have ever heard of. You fat ****s sit at the alter of Joe Burrow despite the fact that he’s basically Boomer Esiason with a cigar. Have fun with that. You’re about to make him the highest paid NFL player of all time and there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll have some sort of leg injury that knocks him out for the next 7 seasons.
Also I drafted Chase last year and he was ****. So **** him. **** you too
5. Dallas Cowboys: +1500
Give me a second here….
I hate every single human being associated with this franchise and nothing gets my cock harder than knowing they have spent the last 2 years watching this team lose to the 9ers in the playoffs in the stupidest way imaginable BOTH ****ING TIMES! I have no sympathy for you. I go to sleep every night hoping Jerry Jones dies and wake up every morning furious he hasn’t. You employ Mike McCarthy. You pay some “mental health day” snowflake named Dakota an ungodly sum of money to win never. Micah Parsons gives heavy Clayton Bigsby vibes only Micah knows he’s black.
And the fans of this franchise?
Holy **** you ****ing loser ass dipshits in your loser ass city and your bumass state. If there was a just and loving god Texas would be ethered from existence and we wouldn’t have to pretend you how bout dem cowboy hicks have anything to say that we need to listen to. I will take a personal day when Jimmy Johnson dies to spend it all masturbating
6-32. Who gives a living ****
**** the Jets. Congrats on landing the immunized one. Can’t wait til you turn on him
**** the Ravens. You paid Lamar. Enjoy watching him do nothing
**** the Dolphins. I’m not certain Tua isn’t braindead as of this post
**** all of you. Let us football
I cant stop laughing, my ribs are beginning to hurt
SRM/Redeyes where can i send the doctor bill?
He's Colt McCoy.
Should've been drafted in the third to fourth round, not the seventh or undrafted. He's a bridge qb that's going to struggle to stay healthy but his skillset gels with great weapons.
Kellen Moore started two games in the NFL and one of them he was 33-48 for 435 with a couple TDs. Numbers are just that. "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." If you can't see who Purdy is in a vacuum that's on yo
I think a better comparisons for purdy is mahomes. When they are surrounded by historically elite weapons they look like a top 3 QB in the league. This year the only think Mahomes is elite at is throwing INT (4th most) - most other categories rank him around 10-15th best QB and when you adjust his weapons you figure he is the 15th best QB.
Until we see more for purdy I think it is fair to say he may be a mahomes type of QB who everyone thought deserved a MVP and could become the GOAT but turns out to be an above avg QB.
Fun fact of the day: Thanks to the Chiefs win in Buffalo, Aaron Rodgers isn't in the top 10 for playoff wins anymore even if you count the win that he didn't play in.
But at least Rodgers is in no danger of getting pushed out of the top 5 for most playoff losses. Next active player is 3 behind him.
Fangio out of Miami
nah. he's wanted to move closer to family in Pennsylvania and a connection w PHI wasn't workable last year. now it is. PHI will, more than likely, be securing his svcs in the near future
also, Pitcher staying in-house and being promoted to replace Callahan is a done deal. CIN lands (keeps in-house) one of the two best OC candidates this cycle. excellent news for JOE and the franchise
Joe Barry fired, great season just gets better for the Pack
Harbaugh to LAC
He needs to meet with her asap. Understand your meme Jim. Respect the fans
Surprised Spanos is splashing the cash for him, wonder if he keeps Moore
Most hope I have felt in a while. 1.Chargers baby
such mixed emotion
no doubt jim wins everywhere
just don't want to harp on him stunting growth of herbie highlights
and brace yourselves, minter is coming
would be hilarious if Harbaugh took JJ at #5
1. Chargers is all the way back.
Chargers should trade up for Marvin Harrison Jr (Mel Kiper has him going 4th to the Cardinals).
#1 Chargers Season is going to be exquisite in 2024.
Chargers play the Ravens next year
Who's got it better than us hurrdy hurr hurr **** that family
good move by everyone IMO. Harbaugh makes sense for the team and it's very rare to get a confirmed franchise QB with a new coaching job
he needs to pick his GM wisely because they've got some complex roster/cap stuff coming down the line
while no doubt there'll be a Falcons announcement to prove me wrong soon, I'm beginning to think BB might not get an offer. Apparently Falcons owner wants him but the rest of the front office don't and I can't see another team where he's a fit.
I think it would be pretty funny if he didn't get a job
